Yesterday sucked. I would like to come up with a better adjective for it, but suck is the best word that comes to mind. I was in deep depression mode, forgot to take my meds, had to drive to my dad's to borrow yet more money from him for an unforeseen expense (which wasted more of the gasoline quickly diminishing in my car's gas tank), missed dinner, then ate a lot grocery store sushi which really wasn't good at all. There were a few more things that added to the suck of a day, but I think I will keep a bit of it to myself.
So today I wanted to be productive. I put on my old flowy skirt with the bleach stain, which makes me feel pretty while I clean, and decided to pick up the apartment. I started by sitting in the recliner for a couple hours. Every time I got up things just seemed to overwhelm me so I would sit back down. I felt depressed because the house is a pit, but I didn't have any motivation to do anything. Then my sister had a meltdown about the paper she had to hand in at school today and I almost completely gave up on doing anything.
It was at this moment that I had the most genius plan of the century! I decided to do one small job, then sit down in the chair again. So I went over my sister's paper while she was off taking a test, and thanks to the fact that writing is pretty much the only thing I am better than her at academically I was able to tell her how to make it longer. Then I sat down. My next small project was to change out the bag in the trash can, then I sat down. After this I picked up all the trash and dishes in the living room, then sat down. I could go on, but I'm getting sick of writing "then sat down."
By the end of the day I had picked up in the living room, vacuumed, put away clean dishes, clean dirty pans, and load up the dishwasher. For me, this is quite the productive day at home. And it made me feel a bit better; being in a clean room feels a lot happier than being in a cluttered dirty room. I'm thinking of starting on my room tomorrow. There's a lot to do in there, but I think I can use my genius idea in that area as well. I'm supposed to have a safe place in the house where I can go when things are in negative vibe mode, and my room isn't exactly up to par right now. I also should get out of the house at some point, but we'll see how that goes. I'm a bit more content staying at home when it's clean and welcoming. Who knows, maybe I'll even be able to have company soon.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Sex leads to dancing...
Whenever the topic of sex comes up in a conversation, I always think of the phrase "sex leads to dancing." It's meant to be a funny change up of something that had been said at the Christian college I attended, which was "dancing leads to sex." I don't really believe either statement, but it's a way to break the ice as we go into this subject.
First off, I am technically a virgin. I have never had sexual intercourse with a man. I've fooled around and regretted it, but that was 9 years ago and there's been nothing since. My virginity is something I have spent time being proud of, but now just gives me a lot to think about. Sex and I have had an up and down relationship.
When I was younger I was afraid of sex. First off, it didn't sound very fun when it was first explained to me. I was young so this was the normal reaction. However, by the age of 10, I hated sex. Sex broke up my parents and was therefore something very bad. I was informed that this was not the case all the time, just when the two people aren't married.
With that past, it was easy for me to jump on the "True Love Waits" bandwagon as a teenager. My dad bought me a promise ring, and I vowed that I would not have sex until I was married. This was not only done for my parents, but because it also seemed to be what God wanted me to do. I read in my bible about marriage, and it seemed that God was all for having sex with just one person.
It was easy for me to stick to this during most of my teens because there was no one that wanted to have sex with me and I wasn't really looking for it. Then I met a British guy over the internet, was in a relationship with him, and had oral sex with him when we were together. He had also wanted to save sex for marriage, but when tempted with it we caved quite easily. After breaking up and feeling guilty for what I did, he said that I had taken his virginity and made it OK for him to sleep with his next girlfriend. That guilt lasted for about two years and was extremely hard to get rid of.
After that relationship I was even more passionate about waiting until I was married to a man before we sexed each other up. It didn't matter if he was a virgin or not, just that we were "pure" until the exchanging of rings in front of friends and family. I promoted this to others, especially the girls in the youth group I helped to lead, and was not secretive about the experience I had in the past. It made it easier for other girls and women to talk with me about their own issues with sex, which I thought was pretty cool.
Yet now, the older I get, the more I wonder if it is worth it. I haven't been in a relationship with a man since I was 19, nor have I had any men interested in dating me. I sometimes wonder if this is due to my openness about waiting for marriage for sex; I can see where it would be kind of a turn off. My friends are sexually active, and I've even met Christians my age that love Jesus yet have had multiple sexual partners.
And it's not only that. I want to have sex. The fear of it I had when I was younger no longer remains. The women of my church that were open with me and willing to talk with me about sexual relationships helped me to get past that. I now feel that I am ready for a romantic relationship that involves physical affection. I'm not just ready, but I think about it a lot. When I say I want to have sex...I really mean it. A lot.
It all leads me to wonder if I should still be as worried about waiting for sex. I mean, is it worth it? Am I missing out on a wonderful life experience just because of some promise I made to God and my dad when I was 14? I don't know.
What I do know is that I still want to do what God wants me to - to follow His will. I think that at this age and period of my life, I'm willing to put my virginity on the back burner and pray that God guides me to where I need to be. I feel that God should be in every part of my life - even sex - so he should be in on the decision. I would hope that I find someone willing to discuss sex and pray about it. It's yet another unknown for the future, but it's one that is definitely on my mind a lot. I must say that I would really like to experience a man wanting to date me so I can at least get some kissing and snuggling...just to make the wait a bit easier.
First off, I am technically a virgin. I have never had sexual intercourse with a man. I've fooled around and regretted it, but that was 9 years ago and there's been nothing since. My virginity is something I have spent time being proud of, but now just gives me a lot to think about. Sex and I have had an up and down relationship.
When I was younger I was afraid of sex. First off, it didn't sound very fun when it was first explained to me. I was young so this was the normal reaction. However, by the age of 10, I hated sex. Sex broke up my parents and was therefore something very bad. I was informed that this was not the case all the time, just when the two people aren't married.
With that past, it was easy for me to jump on the "True Love Waits" bandwagon as a teenager. My dad bought me a promise ring, and I vowed that I would not have sex until I was married. This was not only done for my parents, but because it also seemed to be what God wanted me to do. I read in my bible about marriage, and it seemed that God was all for having sex with just one person.
It was easy for me to stick to this during most of my teens because there was no one that wanted to have sex with me and I wasn't really looking for it. Then I met a British guy over the internet, was in a relationship with him, and had oral sex with him when we were together. He had also wanted to save sex for marriage, but when tempted with it we caved quite easily. After breaking up and feeling guilty for what I did, he said that I had taken his virginity and made it OK for him to sleep with his next girlfriend. That guilt lasted for about two years and was extremely hard to get rid of.
After that relationship I was even more passionate about waiting until I was married to a man before we sexed each other up. It didn't matter if he was a virgin or not, just that we were "pure" until the exchanging of rings in front of friends and family. I promoted this to others, especially the girls in the youth group I helped to lead, and was not secretive about the experience I had in the past. It made it easier for other girls and women to talk with me about their own issues with sex, which I thought was pretty cool.
Yet now, the older I get, the more I wonder if it is worth it. I haven't been in a relationship with a man since I was 19, nor have I had any men interested in dating me. I sometimes wonder if this is due to my openness about waiting for marriage for sex; I can see where it would be kind of a turn off. My friends are sexually active, and I've even met Christians my age that love Jesus yet have had multiple sexual partners.
And it's not only that. I want to have sex. The fear of it I had when I was younger no longer remains. The women of my church that were open with me and willing to talk with me about sexual relationships helped me to get past that. I now feel that I am ready for a romantic relationship that involves physical affection. I'm not just ready, but I think about it a lot. When I say I want to have sex...I really mean it. A lot.
It all leads me to wonder if I should still be as worried about waiting for sex. I mean, is it worth it? Am I missing out on a wonderful life experience just because of some promise I made to God and my dad when I was 14? I don't know.
What I do know is that I still want to do what God wants me to - to follow His will. I think that at this age and period of my life, I'm willing to put my virginity on the back burner and pray that God guides me to where I need to be. I feel that God should be in every part of my life - even sex - so he should be in on the decision. I would hope that I find someone willing to discuss sex and pray about it. It's yet another unknown for the future, but it's one that is definitely on my mind a lot. I must say that I would really like to experience a man wanting to date me so I can at least get some kissing and snuggling...just to make the wait a bit easier.
Friday, May 13, 2011
The Storm
I am in a rare state of peace right now, which has brought with it some positive energy. I am writing this while lying on the floor in front of my open patio doors while a storm drives through outside. It’s probably not the best place to have an electronic device, but I wanted to write about what I am feeling right now.
The first thing I notice is the smell, which is pungent and earthy, and somehow reminds me of new beginnings. The thunder isn’t very loud, but almost like a low soothing growl – if a growl can be called soothing. The sound of the rain is for once drowning out the sound of the nearby interstate traffic, so I feel as if I am in my own little world. The lightning flashes to give glimpses of the sky while the wind brings the smells into the apartment. The trees outside seem to stretch out and accept the nourishing rain. With all of this I can close my eyes and feel at peace in the moment that is happening. I feel close to God.
I haven’t had these feelings for a while, so there’s also a sense of nostalgia to it all. I feel like anything is possible; all the negative is driven away with the wind and drowned in the rain. And even though I feel as if I am in my own little world, at the same time I feel connected.
The storm is moving off now, but the feelings are lingering behind, trailing as softly as the mist that rose from the heavy rains as they pelted the ground. And I realize there can be peace in a storm.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Isolating = No good
I had my first interview for some actual aid today. There is nothing more humbling than talking with a person about what you don't have, who has been paying your bills for you, and what is happening with the bills you can't afford to pay. I am going to call it practice for my upcoming interview for disability.
Having left the apartment today after being inside since Friday, I realize how much I was depending on day treatment to keep me stable. There's something about spending a long period of time away from people, and the everyday interactions that most take for granted; it puts you in a mental state that is hard to get out of. I cannot even begin to describe how much of nothing that I've been doing. In my defense, I was really sick and my fibromyalgia was in full swing, but how can a human being truly experience life in a messy apartment away from the world?
I sometimes think about Emily Dickenson. People think she is really cool and amazing, and her poems really are awesome, but she lived through letters and poetry while being a shut-in. I don't think I could do that. As much as my depression makes me want to hide away from the world around me, I want to be around people.
I have this desire in me to be around people paired with the inability to make it happen on the consistent basis that I want to. Such is life.
Right now, I think I just need to stay positive and try to get my bills paid. I can do this...and I'll keep writing as i go.
Having left the apartment today after being inside since Friday, I realize how much I was depending on day treatment to keep me stable. There's something about spending a long period of time away from people, and the everyday interactions that most take for granted; it puts you in a mental state that is hard to get out of. I cannot even begin to describe how much of nothing that I've been doing. In my defense, I was really sick and my fibromyalgia was in full swing, but how can a human being truly experience life in a messy apartment away from the world?
I sometimes think about Emily Dickenson. People think she is really cool and amazing, and her poems really are awesome, but she lived through letters and poetry while being a shut-in. I don't think I could do that. As much as my depression makes me want to hide away from the world around me, I want to be around people.
I have this desire in me to be around people paired with the inability to make it happen on the consistent basis that I want to. Such is life.
Right now, I think I just need to stay positive and try to get my bills paid. I can do this...and I'll keep writing as i go.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Sick Days
I am finally starting to get over being sick. My fever is gone, as least, so now I'm just trying to get the fibromyalgia under control by trying to get up and do a few simple things. I don't find it hard to take it slow, because I am kind of slow, but also my breathing isn't 100% yet so I get short of breath pretty easy.
I think the worse thing about being sick as an adult is the loneliness. My sisters had to work, and of course yesterday when I was doing really bad, everyone was celebrating Mothers Day. There were friends I could have had over, but our house is quite dirty and I didn't want to add embarrassment to sickness. In the end, my dad and sister got me some soup (Mrs Grass is the best when you're sick) and some orange juice. The soup was just the thing, and all I had to eat yesterday.
Another thing is that there is nothing on television. It was truly annoying. I tried to read, but my headache stopped that after about a paragraph. I listened to some music while I was trying to lower my fever with a lukewarm bath. Also, spending about an hour thinking about why it's called lukewarm instead of warm was somewhat fun. I would have called people, but the few people who had talked to me on the phone said they couldn't understand what I was saying. Apparently the coughing had me sounding like an old hag, which sounds just fine to me.
So that was my weekend. I'm hoping next weekend will be better.
I think the worse thing about being sick as an adult is the loneliness. My sisters had to work, and of course yesterday when I was doing really bad, everyone was celebrating Mothers Day. There were friends I could have had over, but our house is quite dirty and I didn't want to add embarrassment to sickness. In the end, my dad and sister got me some soup (Mrs Grass is the best when you're sick) and some orange juice. The soup was just the thing, and all I had to eat yesterday.
Another thing is that there is nothing on television. It was truly annoying. I tried to read, but my headache stopped that after about a paragraph. I listened to some music while I was trying to lower my fever with a lukewarm bath. Also, spending about an hour thinking about why it's called lukewarm instead of warm was somewhat fun. I would have called people, but the few people who had talked to me on the phone said they couldn't understand what I was saying. Apparently the coughing had me sounding like an old hag, which sounds just fine to me.
So that was my weekend. I'm hoping next weekend will be better.
Friday, May 6, 2011
A Bad Day
Today was a bad day. I have decided that instead of talking about what happened, I will give you all a peek at what goes through the head of someone with depression. After all, I started this blog so I could share what my mental illness is like...so here we go. This is what my brain tells me throughout the day.
"Fucking dumbass! I pushed the snooze button on your alarm too many times. How many fucking times do I have to do this shit before I know it makes me late for things that are fucking important."
"I feel like shit and I need to go home, and now they are probably going to discharge my ass from day treatment. Good job me, you're just a big fucking winner. Way to fail again."
"Great. The doctor is running late. What the fuck am I supposed to do to get out of this one? Should I leave? I can't even think straight. Fucking idiot. Way to leave a pair of kids at school. Hope you didn't enjoy that friendship you fucking nimrod."
"And now you got discharged from your day treatment...unsuccessfully. Great job loser. Do you ever finish anything? I mean really, try to think of one thing you finished.......and you can't because you're a loser."
"Dad is mad at me again because he has to pay for my meds the doc gave me. He wants me to get a job. Of course. Because I'm fucking lazy and can't do shit for myself. I should just stay in this fucking bed until I die. God please just let me die while I'm asleep, then all would be solved. Of course, there goes finishing anything again. Loser, loser, loser. And now you're alone, like you will be your whole life because people don't want to be around a fucking downer. I should call a friend but then they will think I'm a fucking nut job because I'm crying."
"I want food. Junk food. And a cigarette. I want to shove my face, then have a cigarette even though I'm sick. I just really don't care."
Eventually the negative thoughts stopped, mostly because I actually used my coping skills. That's what goes through my head though. Even though it was a bad day, I have had much worse, so the talk has been even worse.
I don't want any comments that say "I'm sorry you feel that way", or "You aren't a loser," because I already know that. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I know that at least 99% of the negative things that go through my head are lies. I didn't know what to write today, and I thought this would fit into my theme of showing what my recovery in mental illness is like.
"Fucking dumbass! I pushed the snooze button on your alarm too many times. How many fucking times do I have to do this shit before I know it makes me late for things that are fucking important."
"I feel like shit and I need to go home, and now they are probably going to discharge my ass from day treatment. Good job me, you're just a big fucking winner. Way to fail again."
"Great. The doctor is running late. What the fuck am I supposed to do to get out of this one? Should I leave? I can't even think straight. Fucking idiot. Way to leave a pair of kids at school. Hope you didn't enjoy that friendship you fucking nimrod."
"And now you got discharged from your day treatment...unsuccessfully. Great job loser. Do you ever finish anything? I mean really, try to think of one thing you finished.......and you can't because you're a loser."
"Dad is mad at me again because he has to pay for my meds the doc gave me. He wants me to get a job. Of course. Because I'm fucking lazy and can't do shit for myself. I should just stay in this fucking bed until I die. God please just let me die while I'm asleep, then all would be solved. Of course, there goes finishing anything again. Loser, loser, loser. And now you're alone, like you will be your whole life because people don't want to be around a fucking downer. I should call a friend but then they will think I'm a fucking nut job because I'm crying."
"I want food. Junk food. And a cigarette. I want to shove my face, then have a cigarette even though I'm sick. I just really don't care."
Eventually the negative thoughts stopped, mostly because I actually used my coping skills. That's what goes through my head though. Even though it was a bad day, I have had much worse, so the talk has been even worse.
I don't want any comments that say "I'm sorry you feel that way", or "You aren't a loser," because I already know that. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I know that at least 99% of the negative things that go through my head are lies. I didn't know what to write today, and I thought this would fit into my theme of showing what my recovery in mental illness is like.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Church searching
Today is a day that I hate Fibromyalgia. If you're wondering what that is, look it up; all I will say is that it means constant pain and fatigue for me. To battle the pain today I decided to take a warm bath, which of course includes listening to music and reading a book.
I've been re-reading "Blue Like Jazz" by Donald Miller, and while bathing read the chapters "Confession" and "Church". It's amazing what you can miss the first, and perhaps even second, time reading a book. I found that especially "Church" was applicable to my current situation with trying out a new church and leaving what I've known behind. Sometimes you have to go where you feel the Spirit guiding you.
I grew up in a Berean church, which is a pretty small denomination that I am told has similarities with the Mennonites. My church was pretty conservative, but unless I was being rebellious and depressed, the teaching was good and biblically based.
I've never really thought that there were bad denominations, just ones that I didn't like (which are mostly charismatic churches that have the speaking in tongues and such). My family is made up of a lot of denominations. Dad's parents are Catholic, Mom's parents were Lutheran, aunts and uncles are Baptist, Methodist, Lutheran, Evangelical Free, and a bible church that is unaffiliated with a denomination. I also have relatives that are atheist, agnostic, and whatever in between.
I thought my church was the right one for me, but it turns out that it may not be. I want to be able to serve once more in a community, not just in a church. This is what has left me looking for a new church home. The church I attended on Sunday with a friend seemed that it may give me more of an opportunity to serve and also have a sense of community, and it was Lutheran, which I am sure would have made Grandma P happy. I haven't heard a sermon there, so I am not sure if I will make it my church home, but it definitely deserves a second look.
I've been re-reading "Blue Like Jazz" by Donald Miller, and while bathing read the chapters "Confession" and "Church". It's amazing what you can miss the first, and perhaps even second, time reading a book. I found that especially "Church" was applicable to my current situation with trying out a new church and leaving what I've known behind. Sometimes you have to go where you feel the Spirit guiding you.
I grew up in a Berean church, which is a pretty small denomination that I am told has similarities with the Mennonites. My church was pretty conservative, but unless I was being rebellious and depressed, the teaching was good and biblically based.
I've never really thought that there were bad denominations, just ones that I didn't like (which are mostly charismatic churches that have the speaking in tongues and such). My family is made up of a lot of denominations. Dad's parents are Catholic, Mom's parents were Lutheran, aunts and uncles are Baptist, Methodist, Lutheran, Evangelical Free, and a bible church that is unaffiliated with a denomination. I also have relatives that are atheist, agnostic, and whatever in between.
I thought my church was the right one for me, but it turns out that it may not be. I want to be able to serve once more in a community, not just in a church. This is what has left me looking for a new church home. The church I attended on Sunday with a friend seemed that it may give me more of an opportunity to serve and also have a sense of community, and it was Lutheran, which I am sure would have made Grandma P happy. I haven't heard a sermon there, so I am not sure if I will make it my church home, but it definitely deserves a second look.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Needing is one thing...
I have been sick for two days, which means I haven't been to my day treatment. Luckily, I haven't been very anxious or depressed, just feeling that my sinuses want to blow up my face. I bought cold meds, but I'm going to have to take it back to the store because I can't take it with my meds. Such is life.
I did meet with my peer support person today though; a peer supporter being sort of like the mental illness version of an AA sponsor. He's very nice, but I'm not sure if I'm OK with a man doing my peer support. We'll see how that goes. We got quite a bit done on my Wellness Recovery Action Plan (or WRAP).
One weird part of WRAP is that I have to talk with my support system about their willingness to be a part of my suppors system, and also what are warning signs before I go into a relapse with my depression and anxiety. This makes me feel a bit weird. I don't know why though, because if someone I was friendly with came up to me and was all, "Hey so I want you to be part of my support system so that I can call you to talk or hangout when I feel like I'm losing my mind," I'd be all over it. But that's me, not other people. I always feel weird when it is I that needs to do the needing and the asking. Luckily there are a few people that are already cool with it, so it's not a huge list...but it's still intimidating.
I was going to write more, but I just sneezed on my computer and now need to go clean it off.
I did meet with my peer support person today though; a peer supporter being sort of like the mental illness version of an AA sponsor. He's very nice, but I'm not sure if I'm OK with a man doing my peer support. We'll see how that goes. We got quite a bit done on my Wellness Recovery Action Plan (or WRAP).
One weird part of WRAP is that I have to talk with my support system about their willingness to be a part of my suppors system, and also what are warning signs before I go into a relapse with my depression and anxiety. This makes me feel a bit weird. I don't know why though, because if someone I was friendly with came up to me and was all, "Hey so I want you to be part of my support system so that I can call you to talk or hangout when I feel like I'm losing my mind," I'd be all over it. But that's me, not other people. I always feel weird when it is I that needs to do the needing and the asking. Luckily there are a few people that are already cool with it, so it's not a huge list...but it's still intimidating.
I was going to write more, but I just sneezed on my computer and now need to go clean it off.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Uncertainty
Today has been an anxiety ridden day for me; luckily there have been no panic attacks. It had a bit to do with world events, and a lot to do with my current situation in life.
First off, I'll let out my feeling about the world news event of Osama bin Ladin being killed. I found out via Facebook about this at about 3am today, so that was a weird middle of the night experience. Of course, with any big event that happens in the world, I get my irrational end of the world fear. Other than that, I don't really feel much. I mean, I'm glad our troops are safe, but I think it's weird to celebrate that someone was killed. What he did was terrible, and he certainly spread his distorted doctrine to a lot of people, but I can't really be happy that he's dead. I do feel a bit of relief though.
On to my situation, I still don't know what direction my life is going right now. I can tell you what I am doing tomorrow, but can't say what I'll be doing next week. I find that it's harder for me to take things one day at a time than I would've ever thought. I keep wanting to get things fixed now so that I can get on with life, not realizing that getting things fixed is my life right now. All this came from a short visit with my therapist, so I'm still wrapping my head around some of the concepts. I'm glad I got through today.
As for tomorrow, I hope it will bring good things. I hope that I can make it to day treatment again, which will probably depend on if this sinus pressure and runny nose is leading to a cold or not. We'll see how my immune system handles things.
First off, I'll let out my feeling about the world news event of Osama bin Ladin being killed. I found out via Facebook about this at about 3am today, so that was a weird middle of the night experience. Of course, with any big event that happens in the world, I get my irrational end of the world fear. Other than that, I don't really feel much. I mean, I'm glad our troops are safe, but I think it's weird to celebrate that someone was killed. What he did was terrible, and he certainly spread his distorted doctrine to a lot of people, but I can't really be happy that he's dead. I do feel a bit of relief though.
On to my situation, I still don't know what direction my life is going right now. I can tell you what I am doing tomorrow, but can't say what I'll be doing next week. I find that it's harder for me to take things one day at a time than I would've ever thought. I keep wanting to get things fixed now so that I can get on with life, not realizing that getting things fixed is my life right now. All this came from a short visit with my therapist, so I'm still wrapping my head around some of the concepts. I'm glad I got through today.
As for tomorrow, I hope it will bring good things. I hope that I can make it to day treatment again, which will probably depend on if this sinus pressure and runny nose is leading to a cold or not. We'll see how my immune system handles things.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Good weekend
I am glad to say that I had a very full weekend! I started with watching a child on Friday night, which was fun even though she didn't want me to read Harry Potter to her (she said she didn't like it!). Things went uphill from there. On Saturday I went to a get together for people I used to work with at a bar, and despite the crowd I did not have a panic attack. Then today I went to church, had friends over, and went to the platonic life partner's place for some great lasagna.
There is something to this being social thing. My therapist type people have been saying that it's something I should do, but I've just kind of not wanted to get out of my pity party of one. But there really is something to it. When I think about all the times that my depression was worse than normal, they were times when I was alone a lot. You would think that with my sparkling intellect I would have figured this out sooner.
Now that I have seen this, and also have the confidence to know that people do enjoy my presence, the difficult part will be picking up my phone and connecting with others. Also, I should probably keep my apartment clean so that I can have people over during this time of little money in my pocket. I think it will be worth it if I can pull it off, while remembering that I can have a pity party every once in a while because I am not perfect.
There is something to this being social thing. My therapist type people have been saying that it's something I should do, but I've just kind of not wanted to get out of my pity party of one. But there really is something to it. When I think about all the times that my depression was worse than normal, they were times when I was alone a lot. You would think that with my sparkling intellect I would have figured this out sooner.
Now that I have seen this, and also have the confidence to know that people do enjoy my presence, the difficult part will be picking up my phone and connecting with others. Also, I should probably keep my apartment clean so that I can have people over during this time of little money in my pocket. I think it will be worth it if I can pull it off, while remembering that I can have a pity party every once in a while because I am not perfect.
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