I survived my first Christmas away from my family.
Even writing that sentence fills me with amazement. That definitely is not what I had envisioned happening, and certainly not as a single woman. Ah, but therein lies the key; I was not really single this Christmas. As always, my Savior was with me. Also, despite my destitute lack of ability to give gifts, I was able to recieve in abundace with humbleness. I am lucky to live with the friends I do, people who care enough about me to love me despite my depressing, oppositional, and at times completely senseless behavior.
I think that it is hard to see myself as loveable most of the time. I really am quite a needy person. I need to hear that I am loved or missed quite often before I will allow myself to believe what seems to me an impossibility. I have a hard time interpreting actions towards me as signs of love and kindness, and will often interpret them as pity or people merely "putting up with me". If I were to sit and really give it a thought, I would most likely come up with a longer list of people who care for me than I would think possible. I should probably actually do that, as it would also serve to remind me of the need to tell other people that I care about them and miss them, too. I could be an awfully mushy person if I let myself.
Well, if you get an email, facebook message, letter, note, postcard, text, phone call, or some sort of communication from me, feel special. It means that I have stepped out of myself for a moment to actually communicate the feelings I keep inside. I do have quite a few stamps and ample time while recovering from my back being a jerk, plus I am learning how to make fun things with yarn. This could be awesome.
Monday, December 26, 2011
Monday, December 19, 2011
Prayer. Oh, Prayer.
The Bible says to pray without ceasing and to pray with complete faith that your prayer will be answered, but I don't think I'm all that sure about how that goes. I have a really hard time concentrating when I'm praying by myself, especially when I'm alone. Sometimes it's actually better in a crowded room of people, but I feel like either way there's a lot of doubt involved in my praying.
I'm not sure how to really explain my prayer situations, but I'll try to anyway. Picture me sitting in my room, usually on my bed, somtimes sitting on the floor or kneeling. I've at least put my phone on silent and at a distance from me, so I won't pick it up if it happens to move. Sometimes I just shut the sound and vibrate off so that there is nothing to hear. I try to get rid of any books, noise, annoying smells, or images so that I can focus on the task at hand. Sometimes I turn off the lights, sometimes I turn them all on. I then start to talk to God using my head instead of my voice. Then I hear a car go by, or a cat meow, a dog bark, the wind whistle, sirens, someone in the other room, someone in another apartment, doors closing and opening, and absolutely any sound that can possibly be heard by the human ear. That's when my mind starts to follow these sounds and drifts off into bunny trails of thought while I'm "talking" to God.
Now, if I can catch myself quick enough, I will usually try to pray out loud, but I end up tripping on my words and feeling like God and I are having a really weird coffee date, especially if I'm in my pajamas laying in bed. The prayer usually ends shortly after I open my mouth, thus ending my tries at praying without ceasing.
It's always been nice at church when the pastor gives the congregation that time for...I can't remember the specific wording...I guess it would be "silent contemplation and prayer". I love these times. I feel like I can just pray away in my head, and even if I hear the annoying noises or smell the annoying smells, I just make them a part of my prayer. However, if you've ever been to church and the pastor has given this time, you know that it lasts less than 5 minutes; this short of a time span has never been adequate for me to finish searching my soul to contemplate and pray. I usually end with a quick. "We'll pick this up later. Love you," before re-joining everyone in a group prayer.
Above all of this is the doubt. Somtimes while I am praying, and almost always after I am finished, I am immediately swarmed with doubt. Did I ask for the right thing? Did I ask enough? Did I ask too much? Was I trying to inforce my own will upon God? Should I ask for that? Did I say thanks enough? Maybe I should have said thank you for more things that I asked for? This is really just scratching the surface of the self questioning that happens, and it seems to be the complete opposite of what the bible calls for. I think what I want would feel a lot like this looks:
I'm not sure how to really explain my prayer situations, but I'll try to anyway. Picture me sitting in my room, usually on my bed, somtimes sitting on the floor or kneeling. I've at least put my phone on silent and at a distance from me, so I won't pick it up if it happens to move. Sometimes I just shut the sound and vibrate off so that there is nothing to hear. I try to get rid of any books, noise, annoying smells, or images so that I can focus on the task at hand. Sometimes I turn off the lights, sometimes I turn them all on. I then start to talk to God using my head instead of my voice. Then I hear a car go by, or a cat meow, a dog bark, the wind whistle, sirens, someone in the other room, someone in another apartment, doors closing and opening, and absolutely any sound that can possibly be heard by the human ear. That's when my mind starts to follow these sounds and drifts off into bunny trails of thought while I'm "talking" to God.
Now, if I can catch myself quick enough, I will usually try to pray out loud, but I end up tripping on my words and feeling like God and I are having a really weird coffee date, especially if I'm in my pajamas laying in bed. The prayer usually ends shortly after I open my mouth, thus ending my tries at praying without ceasing.
It's always been nice at church when the pastor gives the congregation that time for...I can't remember the specific wording...I guess it would be "silent contemplation and prayer". I love these times. I feel like I can just pray away in my head, and even if I hear the annoying noises or smell the annoying smells, I just make them a part of my prayer. However, if you've ever been to church and the pastor has given this time, you know that it lasts less than 5 minutes; this short of a time span has never been adequate for me to finish searching my soul to contemplate and pray. I usually end with a quick. "We'll pick this up later. Love you," before re-joining everyone in a group prayer.
Above all of this is the doubt. Somtimes while I am praying, and almost always after I am finished, I am immediately swarmed with doubt. Did I ask for the right thing? Did I ask enough? Did I ask too much? Was I trying to inforce my own will upon God? Should I ask for that? Did I say thanks enough? Maybe I should have said thank you for more things that I asked for? This is really just scratching the surface of the self questioning that happens, and it seems to be the complete opposite of what the bible calls for. I think what I want would feel a lot like this looks:
So if you read this, and you have any advice whatsoever on the topic, I beg of you to comment. If you know me, send me a message. Anything. Oh, and if you happen to know if there's any way of being sure that you are hearing God and not your own personal desires, that would be super cool. I seem to have forgotten things I thought I knew.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Sometimes Going Forward Requires Taking a Step Back
If I have any wisdom to dispense to anyone, it is the following:
1. Pretending to be happy is absolutely exhausting. If you aren't happy, don't try to fake it, things will only get hurt. Rather, you need to be honest about what you are feeling and search everywhere you can for someone who is willing and able to listen to you and/or help you.
2. If you are depressed - so depressed that you can't get out of bed and do the simplest acts, like bathing yourself - don't think it can't get any worse. It can. I would recommend reminding yourself that it can get worse. Don't imaging specific scenarios or tell yourself that there are other people out there who have it worse off than you; that will get you to obsess about the negative possibilities or feel tremendous guilt over not being involved in social justice issues. Those things don't matter. Getting out of bed matters. Why? Because it can get worse, and it will if you stay in bed.
3. If you have hit that moment where killing yourself sounds like the best idea possible, when you are even imagining killing yourself just to stay calm, dont' actually try to kill yourself. I really want this one to be clear; it ties in with #2 up there. If you try to kill yourself and do not succeed (and lets face it, you're depressed to the point of irrational thinking, so your chances of success in this venture are actually quite lower than you realize) you will find that things are far worse than you ever could have imagined.
You see, the people you already alienated by listening to the negative voice in your head saying, "No one likes me. Poor me," actually do like you, or at least did when you weren't stewing in your own mental anguish, and they're going to be pretty pissed off that you tried to kill yourself. I know this seems far fetched, but they will be hurt and angry with you. The real downside of this is that you are going to need your family and friends more than you ever have before, because you have fallen off a pretty high cliff and are now trying to find a foothold in roaring rapids. There is no way you will get better by yourself, but you are going to have to grip a wet and slippery rock so you can drag your sorry ass out of the water long enough to wave for help with a white flag of surrender. In order to get the help you need, you are going to have to find some way to show people that you want to live and that you have a sincere wish to change. Then you are going to have to wait for them to believe it.
Why am I sharing all of this? Because I'm still dealing with the fallout of trying to kill myself (obviously I was depressed to the point of irrational thinking, so by chances of success in that venture were actually quite lower than I realized, and I failed). I went to the hospital, made choices based on emotions and what I thought other people wanted me to do, and moved away from my support system (which I had, they were just burnt out and tired). Not only that, I then proceeded to dump the entirety of my crazy onto just two people...which is not a kind thing to do. After trying to be happy in just about every wrong way, I see that I need my friends and family like never before.
So now I seem to have come almost full circle. I can't really do much because my physical health has deteriorated (thanks for slipping again, discs in my back - and also to you fibromyalgia for being the worst you ever have been) and I am so very lonely. All I can think of are hugs from my family, going to church with my sisters, and drinking some Bud Light amongst the best group I ever worked with. I'm coming home, but I don't know when. I still don't have money, and I don't necessarily have a place to live once I get home, yet that would seem to be the place I need to be. Hopefully I can figure this one out soon, and also stop crying every day so I can be a bit more productive.
Oh, and:
4. If your dad has doubts about a life altering decision you are making, listen to him. Good dads are right 99.9999999999999999% of the time, but they can't always swoop in and save you if you make the wrong choice.
1. Pretending to be happy is absolutely exhausting. If you aren't happy, don't try to fake it, things will only get hurt. Rather, you need to be honest about what you are feeling and search everywhere you can for someone who is willing and able to listen to you and/or help you.
2. If you are depressed - so depressed that you can't get out of bed and do the simplest acts, like bathing yourself - don't think it can't get any worse. It can. I would recommend reminding yourself that it can get worse. Don't imaging specific scenarios or tell yourself that there are other people out there who have it worse off than you; that will get you to obsess about the negative possibilities or feel tremendous guilt over not being involved in social justice issues. Those things don't matter. Getting out of bed matters. Why? Because it can get worse, and it will if you stay in bed.
3. If you have hit that moment where killing yourself sounds like the best idea possible, when you are even imagining killing yourself just to stay calm, dont' actually try to kill yourself. I really want this one to be clear; it ties in with #2 up there. If you try to kill yourself and do not succeed (and lets face it, you're depressed to the point of irrational thinking, so your chances of success in this venture are actually quite lower than you realize) you will find that things are far worse than you ever could have imagined.
You see, the people you already alienated by listening to the negative voice in your head saying, "No one likes me. Poor me," actually do like you, or at least did when you weren't stewing in your own mental anguish, and they're going to be pretty pissed off that you tried to kill yourself. I know this seems far fetched, but they will be hurt and angry with you. The real downside of this is that you are going to need your family and friends more than you ever have before, because you have fallen off a pretty high cliff and are now trying to find a foothold in roaring rapids. There is no way you will get better by yourself, but you are going to have to grip a wet and slippery rock so you can drag your sorry ass out of the water long enough to wave for help with a white flag of surrender. In order to get the help you need, you are going to have to find some way to show people that you want to live and that you have a sincere wish to change. Then you are going to have to wait for them to believe it.
Why am I sharing all of this? Because I'm still dealing with the fallout of trying to kill myself (obviously I was depressed to the point of irrational thinking, so by chances of success in that venture were actually quite lower than I realized, and I failed). I went to the hospital, made choices based on emotions and what I thought other people wanted me to do, and moved away from my support system (which I had, they were just burnt out and tired). Not only that, I then proceeded to dump the entirety of my crazy onto just two people...which is not a kind thing to do. After trying to be happy in just about every wrong way, I see that I need my friends and family like never before.
So now I seem to have come almost full circle. I can't really do much because my physical health has deteriorated (thanks for slipping again, discs in my back - and also to you fibromyalgia for being the worst you ever have been) and I am so very lonely. All I can think of are hugs from my family, going to church with my sisters, and drinking some Bud Light amongst the best group I ever worked with. I'm coming home, but I don't know when. I still don't have money, and I don't necessarily have a place to live once I get home, yet that would seem to be the place I need to be. Hopefully I can figure this one out soon, and also stop crying every day so I can be a bit more productive.
Oh, and:
4. If your dad has doubts about a life altering decision you are making, listen to him. Good dads are right 99.9999999999999999% of the time, but they can't always swoop in and save you if you make the wrong choice.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
A Change of Self
I have changed. I thought about going to the last blog post I made, back in the last week of August, so that I could see just how much I had changed, but I decided to get on with writing instead.
It is interesting to note what I see as changes in myself. I can't say that I am happy with each change. I did not expect myself to change in certain ways, and it comes as a surprise to me that I have let things slip through my charachter or personality the way that I have.
I'm not talking as much. Don't get me wrong on this one; I wasn't talking that much when I was back in Nebraska, and I spent most of my time alone watching television. What's different is that I am not talking when I get the chance to talk. I feel that I used to be a bit more free with my words, even if that wasn't always a good thing. Now it seems that I am afraid to speak. I have gone from being a woman who shares her mind and emotions, to a woman who spends her time thinking over how to react appropriately to the emotions of others. I don't believe it's bad to think of the emotions of others, but it has become a single preoccupation of mine. Every look, silence, word, action is heavy with meaning - and it all seems to mean that I have done something inappropriate, hurt someone, or inconvenienced someone. I didn't care quite as much about that before; I was a sort of dominating presence that influenced her needs and wants onto the people around her. I am now dominated far more frequently.
I have also hidden away a part of myself. My spirituality and religion is now at the quietest point it has been since my teen years. It isn't as if I do not acknowledge this part of myself, but that I worry over offending someone else by expressing this part of myself. Most times I find it irritating and the rest of the time I feel highly disappointed in myself. I have to get this back.
I wish there was a way to lay the blame for this on something tangible and present, but it seems to come from the absence of things. Without my family, I no longer feel strong in my identity as a leader; I am no longer the eldest, but the newest. Without a church family I feel adrift and uncertain, lost in a sea of emotion that threatens to make me forget the things I am rationally and logically sure of. Without a community of friends I feel lonely. Without a best friend I feel incomplete.
I suppose that I will need to find out how I will define myself when set apart from all that is familiar and comfortable. Therapy starts next week. Let the ride begin again.
It is interesting to note what I see as changes in myself. I can't say that I am happy with each change. I did not expect myself to change in certain ways, and it comes as a surprise to me that I have let things slip through my charachter or personality the way that I have.
I'm not talking as much. Don't get me wrong on this one; I wasn't talking that much when I was back in Nebraska, and I spent most of my time alone watching television. What's different is that I am not talking when I get the chance to talk. I feel that I used to be a bit more free with my words, even if that wasn't always a good thing. Now it seems that I am afraid to speak. I have gone from being a woman who shares her mind and emotions, to a woman who spends her time thinking over how to react appropriately to the emotions of others. I don't believe it's bad to think of the emotions of others, but it has become a single preoccupation of mine. Every look, silence, word, action is heavy with meaning - and it all seems to mean that I have done something inappropriate, hurt someone, or inconvenienced someone. I didn't care quite as much about that before; I was a sort of dominating presence that influenced her needs and wants onto the people around her. I am now dominated far more frequently.
I have also hidden away a part of myself. My spirituality and religion is now at the quietest point it has been since my teen years. It isn't as if I do not acknowledge this part of myself, but that I worry over offending someone else by expressing this part of myself. Most times I find it irritating and the rest of the time I feel highly disappointed in myself. I have to get this back.
I wish there was a way to lay the blame for this on something tangible and present, but it seems to come from the absence of things. Without my family, I no longer feel strong in my identity as a leader; I am no longer the eldest, but the newest. Without a church family I feel adrift and uncertain, lost in a sea of emotion that threatens to make me forget the things I am rationally and logically sure of. Without a community of friends I feel lonely. Without a best friend I feel incomplete.
I suppose that I will need to find out how I will define myself when set apart from all that is familiar and comfortable. Therapy starts next week. Let the ride begin again.
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