I survived my first Christmas away from my family.
Even writing that sentence fills me with amazement. That definitely is not what I had envisioned happening, and certainly not as a single woman. Ah, but therein lies the key; I was not really single this Christmas. As always, my Savior was with me. Also, despite my destitute lack of ability to give gifts, I was able to recieve in abundace with humbleness. I am lucky to live with the friends I do, people who care enough about me to love me despite my depressing, oppositional, and at times completely senseless behavior.
I think that it is hard to see myself as loveable most of the time. I really am quite a needy person. I need to hear that I am loved or missed quite often before I will allow myself to believe what seems to me an impossibility. I have a hard time interpreting actions towards me as signs of love and kindness, and will often interpret them as pity or people merely "putting up with me". If I were to sit and really give it a thought, I would most likely come up with a longer list of people who care for me than I would think possible. I should probably actually do that, as it would also serve to remind me of the need to tell other people that I care about them and miss them, too. I could be an awfully mushy person if I let myself.
Well, if you get an email, facebook message, letter, note, postcard, text, phone call, or some sort of communication from me, feel special. It means that I have stepped out of myself for a moment to actually communicate the feelings I keep inside. I do have quite a few stamps and ample time while recovering from my back being a jerk, plus I am learning how to make fun things with yarn. This could be awesome.
Jaynie,
ReplyDeleteI commend you for putting your feelings out there!
I can sympathize with you with not seeing yourself as lovable; I am the same way. I do not believe that I am worth the love and praise of others. Even hearing it over and over again at times isn't enough to make me believe it; I will just shake my head or ignore what is said to me. It is kind of like getting a compliment, even if it is on my clothes or hair or something meaningless, I say 'no' and shake my head or make some degrading comment against it. However this is getting better as I am working on the "damaged" part of myself.
On the flipside, I am completely confident when it comes to loving, praising, being kind to, and complimenting others, and always stick to what I say. Kinda weird huh? Maybe, maybe not?
Point being, you are not alone with your feelings and if you ever want to actually talk to someone text me or call me! I am here. :)