I've been thinking about an ended relationship lately. It was a relationship I ended, that I had good reasons to end, and that I still think should lay dead in the dirt. What I didn't really expect was the sense of loss I would have.
If you are a somewhat regular reader of my blog here, you may remember the many references to my best friend, or "platonic life partner (PHP)" as I often referred to her. That person is no longer in my life. I won't go into any details here, because some people may know her, and my reasons for ending the friendship are my own. What I will say is that I burnt that bridge; I blew the damn thing to smithereens and watched as the embers burned to ash. I wasn't particularly nice about it. I wanted it to burn.
I knew that this friendship needed to end, and I knew that if I was kind when severing ties there would be a fairly sure chance that I would find myself in the friendship again. So I made it hurt; not for me, but for her. I said some good things, and all of what I said had good intentions somewhere behind them, but I knew some ways of saying things that were sure to ignite red hot anger and maybe even hatred. When you are close to someone for a long time, you learn what actions and words will ignite certain feelings, and during the friendship you work to be sure that you aren't using this power for evil. Since I saw the friendship as over, I decided that I needed to use whatever means necessary to keep myself safe from a friendship relapse. And I don't regret it; at least, not all of it. I wish I hadn't needed to be mean and that the friendship hadn't dissolved to where it had, and I don't necessarily like that I am someone who intentionally tried to hurt someone else.
It's been roughly five months since that all happened. I now feel the loss. I miss her two children like crazy, and I wonder if they ever think of me. I think of holding them as babies, playing with them, reading to them, hugging them, and laughing with them. I even miss the times I helped to discipline them or support her while she was dealing with problem behaviors. I wonder how they are doing, who they are around, how are they being influenced to act and behave, who is influencing them? It's a by-product of the ended friendship that I will not know more of these children that have a special place in my heart, reserved only for them.
I also miss the dogs. Dog #1 was amazing beyond words, and loved me without question. Dog #2 had such potential, needed so much love, and in her puppy way tried to be all that dog #1 is.
So that is where I am at right now. I've never really had to deal with the loss of a person that I willingly turned away from, and I have to admit that I miss things connected with that person more than the person herself. The things that made me leave are still there, still valid, and barring an almost complete change in the other person, my decision remains the right one . Someday, hopefully, the bad memories will fade and I will remember more of the good, and I will be able to forgive so that I can hold no ill-feelings in myself.
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