A Change of Self

I have changed. I thought about going to the last blog post I made, back in the last week of August, so that I could see just how much I had changed, but I decided to get on with writing instead.

It is interesting to note what I see as changes in myself. I can't say that I am happy with each change. I did not expect myself to change in certain ways, and it comes as a surprise to me that I have let things slip through my charachter or personality the way that I have.

I'm not talking as much. Don't get me wrong on this one; I wasn't talking that much when I was back in Nebraska, and I spent most of my time alone watching television. What's different is that I am not talking when I get the chance to talk. I feel that I used to be a bit more free with my words, even if that wasn't always a good thing. Now it seems that I am afraid to speak. I have gone from being a woman who shares her mind and emotions, to a woman who spends her time thinking over how to react appropriately to the emotions of others. I don't believe it's bad to think of the emotions of others, but it has become a single preoccupation of mine. Every look, silence, word, action is heavy with meaning - and it all seems to mean that I have done something inappropriate, hurt someone, or inconvenienced someone. I didn't care quite as much about that before; I was a sort of dominating presence that influenced her needs and wants onto the people around her. I am now dominated far more frequently.

I have also hidden away a part of myself. My spirituality and religion is now at the quietest point it has been since my teen years. It isn't as if I do not acknowledge this part of myself, but that I worry over offending someone else by expressing this part of myself. Most times I find it irritating and the rest of the time I feel highly disappointed in myself. I have to get this back.

I wish there was a way to lay the blame for this on something tangible and present, but it seems to come from the absence of things. Without my family, I no longer feel strong in my identity as a leader; I am no longer the eldest, but the newest. Without a church family I feel adrift and uncertain, lost in a sea of emotion that threatens to make me forget the things I am rationally and logically sure of. Without a community of friends I feel lonely. Without a best friend I feel incomplete.

I suppose that I will need to find out how I will define myself when set apart from all that is familiar and comfortable. Therapy starts next week. Let the ride begin again.