Prayer. Oh, Prayer.

The Bible says to pray without ceasing and to pray with complete faith that your prayer will be answered, but I don't think I'm all that sure about how that goes. I have a really hard time concentrating when I'm praying by myself, especially when I'm alone. Sometimes it's actually better in a crowded room of people, but I feel like either way there's a lot of doubt involved in my praying.

I'm not sure how to really explain my prayer situations, but I'll try to anyway. Picture me sitting in my room, usually on my bed, somtimes sitting on the floor or kneeling. I've at least put my phone on silent and at a distance from me, so I won't pick it up if it happens to move. Sometimes I just shut the sound and vibrate off so that there is nothing to hear. I try to get rid of any books, noise, annoying smells, or images so that I can focus on the task at hand. Sometimes I turn off the lights, sometimes I turn them all on. I then start to talk to God using my head instead of my voice. Then I hear a car go by, or a cat meow, a dog bark, the wind whistle, sirens, someone in the other room, someone in another apartment, doors closing and opening, and absolutely any sound that can possibly be heard by the human ear. That's when my mind starts to follow these sounds and drifts off into bunny trails of thought while I'm "talking" to God.

Now, if I can catch myself quick enough, I will usually try to pray out loud, but I end up tripping on my words and feeling like God and I are having a really weird coffee date, especially if I'm in my pajamas laying in bed. The prayer usually ends shortly after I open my mouth, thus ending my tries at praying without ceasing.

It's always been nice at church when the pastor gives the congregation that time for...I can't remember the specific wording...I guess it would be "silent contemplation and prayer". I love these times. I feel like I can just pray away in my head, and even if I hear the annoying noises or smell the annoying smells, I just make them a part of my prayer. However, if you've ever been to church and the pastor has given this time, you know that it lasts less than 5 minutes; this short of a time span has never been adequate for me to finish searching my soul to contemplate and pray. I usually end with a quick. "We'll pick this up later. Love you," before re-joining everyone in a group prayer.

Above all of this is the doubt. Somtimes while I am praying, and almost always after I am finished, I am immediately swarmed with doubt. Did I ask for the right thing? Did I ask enough? Did I ask too much? Was I trying to inforce my own will upon God? Should I ask for that? Did I say thanks enough? Maybe I should have said thank you for more things that I asked for? This is really just scratching the surface of the self questioning that happens, and it seems to be the complete opposite of what the bible calls for. I think what I want would feel a lot like this looks:

So if you read this, and you have any advice whatsoever on the topic, I beg of you to comment. If you know me, send me a message. Anything. Oh, and if you happen to know if there's any way of being sure that you are hearing God and not your own personal desires, that would be super cool. I seem to have forgotten things I thought I knew.