Waiting for Death

For the first time in my life, I feel what C.S. Lewis meant when he said,"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear." He wrote this during a circumstance in his life that was quite different from my current position, but my feeling is rather similar. The only difference I would note is that currently my grief feels like panic.

Grandpa P. was put on hospice care on Monday night. He is in his home being watched over by his family, while morphine and anti-anxiety medications have replaced the medications that were keeping his dimensia at bay. He is not eating, he cannot talk, and the noise he is making is referred to as a death rattle. We have been told that he will pass away anywhere from 5-15 days after he stops eating and drinking. Due to his illness most, if not all, of the family has made it clear to him for a couple years that we love him. Shortly after he was diagnosed with dimensia he made his peace with those around him. My more recent memories of him, before he took a turn for the worse after my grandmother's death last year, were of making him laugh and knowing that I was able to bring him joy. They are good memories, and I am very thankful to have them.

Even though we've known this was coming and are now just making Grandpa comfortable, I find that I still feel somwhat unprepared for all of this. It is like something dark is hanging over my head just waiting to descend. Now that I have a definate time period for when I am to expect Grandpa to die...it's just waiting. It's as if I know the date of the end of the world and there is a panic mixed with a want to give up on everything. Everything seems as if it is in a suspended state of animation.

Also, I feel angry; then I feel guilty for feeling angry. I was having a wonderful day yesterday until the news came. I was actually happy, genuinely happy. Now I feel as if I have taken massive steps back and I'm right back into the cycle of depression and panic. And I'm lonely. I want, selfishly, to be held and comforted by someone who is not in the same situation I am in. I want something good to battle the sadness that is threatening to overwhelm me. Thankfully three of my good friends have been able to at least provide an ear, and a little beer as well, which has helped to keep me somewhat level in my emotions.

At the end of all these thoughts has come the decision to sit with my grandpa for a while tomorrow, and a little every day until he goes. After that, who knows; yet I feel some comfort in the unknown right now.