Tonight I cant sleep, because you are on my mind - so I'm going to write this as if I am writing to you. I'm going to say all the things that keep me awake and hit me in the middle of the day. May it give me peace.
I don't know if you know how I feel for you. I've never actually come out and explained it. I love you; mostly as a friend, but there are those feelings of Eros involved. I have felt this way a long time, even during times when I wouldn't see you for a while. I wouldn't think of you, then BAM, you were there and every feeling flooded right up to the surface.
You make me happy. Time spent with you is time that is happy for me. I can hope it's happy for you; I don't know for sure but I think it mostly is. This happiness had for a time led me to sort of make an idol of you; something I'm glad I figured out and prayed away. However, even when you're not an idol, you're presence in my day to day life (or lack of it) is keenly felt throughout the day.
I think the big problem is that I am unable to attract you physically, and perhaps a bit emotionally. The fact that I am (by worldly standards) a plain, obese woman is not in my favor. I could list a lot of physical faults, but I try to love them rather than dwell on them. Mentally, I am aware that I am a mess right now, and the getting better is slow going. Yet here's the deal. I get to be loved. I get to be adored. I get to be beautiful. I get to be pursued.
I feel that we have a connection, and it's frustrating that the lack of attraction or the awkward weirdness of some past situations is keeping me from...well, from claiming you as my own. I have never trusted attraction, because it's led me astray far too many times. A connection felt by both would be what people refer to as "in love". Because there are not two way romantic feelings, what I feel now that isn't covered by the love of friendship could be called the waiting reception of Eros - or something along that vein.
All of it aside, because of my love, I really want to see you happy. I would do almost anything to make that happen, including stepping aside so that another woman can have the place I wish so dearly to hold. That makes me feel good about my love, like there's a lack of total selfishness to it.
I'm leaving soon, and it sucks that that also means leaving where you are. I've probably already been clingy, and I'm sure that it's more than obvious from my actions how I feel. But it's good to get the feelings out in the open, rather than toss and turn at night or wander off into daydreams. More people should be honest about their emotions towards others. Maybe not in blog form, but in whatever way fits the situation and time.
And now that I come to my finish, I realize that maybe I didn't write this just for you. Maybe I also wrote it for the other people in my life who feel lonely-who feel the need to be adored, strong, loved, or beautiful-but are for whatever reason not the recipients of such favors. My heart goes out to those as I post this up and go to a much deserved sleep.
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