Waaaaaaaaaaait

I am not, by nature, a very patient person. I do not cope well with things taking longer than I think they should. This manifests itself many different ways in my day to day life; I get cranky in traffic, I curse people with my mind in lines, I leave projects unfinished, and I generally lose stamina for a task that seems to extend beyond fathomable limits.

Just now, I am somewhere in the middle of a wait. I had fully planned on being West coast bound by now, or at least have a ticket purchased for my move. Instead, I am waiting for a bed to sell so that I can afford said ticket. In the meantime there are plenty of things to get me frustrated and close to the complete explosion of my head, neck, and collarbone area - which I imagine would be a horribly time-consuming mess for someone else to have to clean up.

You see, when left to my own designs, I begin to doubt myself. I doubt decisions I make (or made), my ability to complete the task at hand, my judgement of circumstances, whether or not I have followed God or my own stubborn will, etc. The more time I am given to mull over doubt, the more I give myself over to it. Whether valid or not, I will latch on to small things and take them as signs of a mistake coming...a mistake of my own making which will have consequences unbearably dreary to deal with.

I sometimes wonder if the Lord will ever simply tire of my continued disagreement with His set time for things and just let me get on with having everything my own way. Then I remember that I am a beloved creation for whom God wants nothing but the best, and will indeed settle with nothing more than the best, that I can become. I realize that awful and awesome truth that I must yield my way to his, that I must bend my will lest the world break me.

So it's really quite harder than it looks, this waiting. Doing nothing has never cost me so much. But I must remember that there is an end; there is always an end. Eventually patience, persistence, and perseverance give way to their reward, whether it's what I've expected or not... and I have a feeling that during this current trial a great deal of trust will be required as well.