After a long day of sitting on the couch with my computer while Netflix played television shows, I find that my thoughts are not wanting to slow down or shut off. I find myself thinking of the excuses I used today to do what essentially amounts to a whole lot of nothing. Today's was that I had worked hard the past two days at my new job, and due to being sore and worn out, I was entitled to a day of "relaxation".
The excuse of being sore only lasted until early afternoon, as the soreness wore off with some quality heating pad time for my legs, back, and shoulders. After that, I could have done things that needed done. I did not. I instead sat on my computer going back and forth between Facebook and games. I did not go to the store to buy shirts and pants I need for my job, did not do any housework that was crying out to be done, and definitely did not attempt to do anything about the disaster that I call my bedroom. Any of these things would have left me with a good feeling, that "I accomplished something and now feel a bit fulfilled" feeling, which I honestly needed to feel today. Instead I sat and listened to my head telling me that I was a lazy slob who would never amount to anything.
The thing that really gets me is that, intellectually at least, I know that I will amount to something. The problem is looking at the facts and being fair with myself (according to my therapist). Today I was lazy. I could probably technically be categorized as a slob as well due to the state of my bedroom and lack of housework done. I can't mentally beat myself up for these things though.
I've been trying to look at it this way: when I walk into some one's house and see that it's a mess (or even filthy), my first reaction is to see if that person needs help. I don't automatically classify them as slobs or anything, but try to find out what their situation is. Even if they are being lazy, I will usually cheer them on or try to motivate them to do some work for themselves. In fact, if I talked to others the way I talk to myself, I would probably be called a bitch...or something worse.
I want to find a way to cheer myself on and find motivation when I feel low. I know that my depression makes this a bit harder for me than the average joe on the street, but I can't keep using that as an excuse.
I want to be productive. I want to be someone that I can be proud of. There are moments when I feel proud of myself, and I do see tiny improvements in some areas. I just need that inner me to stop telling me that I'm not improving fast enough. So here we go, here I am stating what I know that I believe about myself and what I am capable of.
I believe I am worthy of love.
I believe I am capable of loving others.
I believe I am capable of loving myself.
I believe that I am intelligent.
I believe that I can learn to ask others for help when I need it, and accept it when they are unable to help me.
I believe that I have the love of a great God and personal Saviour.
I believe that the love of my God and Savior are available to me 100% of the time.
I believe that I can learn things and apply them to my life.
I believe that I will never reach perfection on this earth, but that I can strive to be the best me possible.
There's much more, but it feels good to get this much out...and also to take it back in.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Thursday, January 27, 2011
My Safe
I think that I have sort of meandered away from the point of this blog, which was to talk about how I am learning to function despite my depression and anxiety. So, on that note, I am going to discuss some coping I have been doing lately.
One of my favorite things my therapist taught me was a certain type of visualization. See, I have the habit of repeating negative things over and over in my head, as well as obsessing about certain things in my life. One of the things I obsess about the most is how others view me and how I can fix their problems. Oh, also how they annoy the living crap out of me.
Back to the visualization. In this visualization I am to envision a box. I don't know what other people make their boxes out of; cardboard, wood, a nice reed weave would be quite popular I imagine. Not mine. My box is a safe made of the strongest metal I know of...mithril. I don't care if it is fictional, that shit is not letting anything in or out. My mithril safe has a combination on it that is super secret; no one knows my combination but me.
So what do I do with my box? Simple. I put things in it that are causing me anxiety at the time. Let's use an example. Sometimes I think of a certain man; I think of him a lot and it is often not helpful to my relaxation. To deal with this, I put the man in my safe and I lock it shut. When the man is in the safe, I cannot think about him. If I do think about him, I throw him back into the safe.
Now we come to why I like this visualization the most; I have to set a time when I will let the thoughts out of the safe and deal with them. Example: if I can't stop thinking about something when I am trying to fall asleep, I put it in my safe and allow it out in the morning. Another situation would be when I have to work or go to an appointment. If I am thinking of my sisters' problems or how much I can't stand my mother, I lock them in the safe with their release date being when my task is done.
I find this to be something that has been a help to me lately. I can't think of everything at once, and if I am anxious my concentration level falls fast. It's nice to be able to get things done while also giving myself time to deal with my emotions. I still dissociate a bit by zoning out into the television or playing games on the computer, but I find my productivity rapidly improving.
The real test of this exercise will come with this start of a new job that I am facing. So far I haven't had to use my safe due to being too busy, but I know the time will come when I will have to. It's harder to do when there are other people around, yet I have faith that I can do it. If people around me keep telling me that my faith inspires them, it is sure to be true, and I will succeed in what I need to do.
One of my favorite things my therapist taught me was a certain type of visualization. See, I have the habit of repeating negative things over and over in my head, as well as obsessing about certain things in my life. One of the things I obsess about the most is how others view me and how I can fix their problems. Oh, also how they annoy the living crap out of me.
Back to the visualization. In this visualization I am to envision a box. I don't know what other people make their boxes out of; cardboard, wood, a nice reed weave would be quite popular I imagine. Not mine. My box is a safe made of the strongest metal I know of...mithril. I don't care if it is fictional, that shit is not letting anything in or out. My mithril safe has a combination on it that is super secret; no one knows my combination but me.
So what do I do with my box? Simple. I put things in it that are causing me anxiety at the time. Let's use an example. Sometimes I think of a certain man; I think of him a lot and it is often not helpful to my relaxation. To deal with this, I put the man in my safe and I lock it shut. When the man is in the safe, I cannot think about him. If I do think about him, I throw him back into the safe.
Now we come to why I like this visualization the most; I have to set a time when I will let the thoughts out of the safe and deal with them. Example: if I can't stop thinking about something when I am trying to fall asleep, I put it in my safe and allow it out in the morning. Another situation would be when I have to work or go to an appointment. If I am thinking of my sisters' problems or how much I can't stand my mother, I lock them in the safe with their release date being when my task is done.
I find this to be something that has been a help to me lately. I can't think of everything at once, and if I am anxious my concentration level falls fast. It's nice to be able to get things done while also giving myself time to deal with my emotions. I still dissociate a bit by zoning out into the television or playing games on the computer, but I find my productivity rapidly improving.
The real test of this exercise will come with this start of a new job that I am facing. So far I haven't had to use my safe due to being too busy, but I know the time will come when I will have to. It's harder to do when there are other people around, yet I have faith that I can do it. If people around me keep telling me that my faith inspires them, it is sure to be true, and I will succeed in what I need to do.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Getting motivated
Today my anxiety is attempting to get the best of me. I don't want to leave the house, I don't want to get ready to leave the house; I just want to hang around my house and maybe clean something if I get the hankering to. Is this an option today? No. It is not.
I have to leave my house today for multiple reasons. One of the biggest reasons is that I have to go fill out paperwork for my new job, a job I am excited for and terrified of at the same time.
It started last night; my brain began thinking about what could go wrong over and over again. Different scenarios went through my head; I went to the place without pants on, I went to the wrong place, I got there and they had no record of who I was or what I was doing there, etc. In addition to these thoughts were the thoughts of me doing something wrong. It was to the point that I actually had a nightmare about not being able to stop talking. I just kept saying these intesely personal things, and no matter how bad I wanted to stop it, I couldn't.
My morning did not go much better. I kept looking for excuses to not get ready. It helped that I had stayed at the PLP's house (PLP will now stand for platonic life partner). There was plenty to do. I did her dishes, switched her laundry, took multiple breaks to sit with the dogs, and told myself I had an enormous about of time before I had to leave. Sadly, the biggest inner push to leave came when I realised there were no more cigarettes. (For the record, I know I shouldn't be smoking and that it's bad for me, and am also aware that other people are supporting this terrible habit. However, I have no doubt about my ability to quit.)
So now we get down to business. How am I going to motivate myself? First, I am going to get up off this chair by reminding myself that I can write in my blog about actually doing something. I will then get a CD that gets me going (probably some OK GO or some Sia) and blast it while getting ready. Then I will do one of my grounding techniques that my therapist taught me before leaving the house.
Today is about to become my bitch.
I have to leave my house today for multiple reasons. One of the biggest reasons is that I have to go fill out paperwork for my new job, a job I am excited for and terrified of at the same time.
It started last night; my brain began thinking about what could go wrong over and over again. Different scenarios went through my head; I went to the place without pants on, I went to the wrong place, I got there and they had no record of who I was or what I was doing there, etc. In addition to these thoughts were the thoughts of me doing something wrong. It was to the point that I actually had a nightmare about not being able to stop talking. I just kept saying these intesely personal things, and no matter how bad I wanted to stop it, I couldn't.
My morning did not go much better. I kept looking for excuses to not get ready. It helped that I had stayed at the PLP's house (PLP will now stand for platonic life partner). There was plenty to do. I did her dishes, switched her laundry, took multiple breaks to sit with the dogs, and told myself I had an enormous about of time before I had to leave. Sadly, the biggest inner push to leave came when I realised there were no more cigarettes. (For the record, I know I shouldn't be smoking and that it's bad for me, and am also aware that other people are supporting this terrible habit. However, I have no doubt about my ability to quit.)
So now we get down to business. How am I going to motivate myself? First, I am going to get up off this chair by reminding myself that I can write in my blog about actually doing something. I will then get a CD that gets me going (probably some OK GO or some Sia) and blast it while getting ready. Then I will do one of my grounding techniques that my therapist taught me before leaving the house.
Today is about to become my bitch.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
The things you learn from a five year old...
So far I am having a great day hanging out with the little man in my life, my best friend's 5 year old son. He's pretty awesome. First we chilled in pajamas and watched TV, then it was time to get dressed, and now we're going to watch Ponyo; or we will watch it as soon as Netflix decides to retrieve it at a rate that is quicker than a lame snail.
I like hanging out with my little man, because he pretty much loves the heck out of me no matter what. He thinks I'm cool and asks for me to come over sometimes. It's funny that the pursuing I've wanted from other men has come in the innocent form of a five year old boy.
I've spent a lot of time in my life pining after different boys, then half-boy half-men hybrids, and finally men. I've wanted them to desire my presence in their lives and be content sitting with me in silence watching a movie or even reading a book. Don't get me wrong, I also want that passionate love at the beginning of a relationship, but mostly I have wanted companionship and comfort from a man.
The older I get, the more I realise that this is something I cannot force to happen. I have pursued quite a few men and it has not gone well for me. I end up with a broken heart, and they end up becoming absent in my life. Yet it is hard to just let it happen. I've just always had a problem believing that a man will decide all on his own that he wants to be with me.
So why am I writing this down? Because this five year old boy has begun to show me that it is possible for someone of the opposite sex to desire my attentions and affections. Obviously, it is not a romantic relationship, no pedophilia here, but it's a cute and adorable unexpected lesson that came from an unexpected source; I am worth loving.
I like hanging out with my little man, because he pretty much loves the heck out of me no matter what. He thinks I'm cool and asks for me to come over sometimes. It's funny that the pursuing I've wanted from other men has come in the innocent form of a five year old boy.
I've spent a lot of time in my life pining after different boys, then half-boy half-men hybrids, and finally men. I've wanted them to desire my presence in their lives and be content sitting with me in silence watching a movie or even reading a book. Don't get me wrong, I also want that passionate love at the beginning of a relationship, but mostly I have wanted companionship and comfort from a man.
The older I get, the more I realise that this is something I cannot force to happen. I have pursued quite a few men and it has not gone well for me. I end up with a broken heart, and they end up becoming absent in my life. Yet it is hard to just let it happen. I've just always had a problem believing that a man will decide all on his own that he wants to be with me.
So why am I writing this down? Because this five year old boy has begun to show me that it is possible for someone of the opposite sex to desire my attentions and affections. Obviously, it is not a romantic relationship, no pedophilia here, but it's a cute and adorable unexpected lesson that came from an unexpected source; I am worth loving.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
My day was productive! I was out of my apartment before 11am, and was early for both appointments I had with people. I feel very good about this.
Here's the one downside; I am not sure what to write about today. I could write personal details about all that I did, but I want to keep them personal. So...what to do? Write about my cat.
I didn't get to spend much time with my cat today. I'm not sure how happy she was about this, but she meowed a lot when she wanted me to know it was a canned food day. After that, she pretty much kept to herself. Some days she doesn't want to snuggle with me, but with things that smell like me. She likes to lay in my spot on the bed, and I once caught her in a basket of clothes that had previously been worn.
Sometimes I wonder what she would sound like if she could talk. I think she'd be pretty sarcastic and possibly a bit of a bitch. I am 100% sure that she would use swear words. Due to the looks she gives me when she knocks things off tables, I know that she would be opinionated. She insists on being noticed when she wants to be.
Perhaps the thing about my cat is her habit of walking across computer keyboards. It's not something that happens every once in a while, but at least a couple times a day. It will sometimes bring up different icons and programs. I think she's practicing for a future career in writing or communicating with the top secret government agency she works for. It's probably the writing career; the top secret spy thing is just too ridiculous. Someday there will be a book about the everyday life of my sisters and I, a complete tell-all novel in which she will make herself the heroine. If the book sells, she's totally paying me back for busting up my blinds.
Here's the one downside; I am not sure what to write about today. I could write personal details about all that I did, but I want to keep them personal. So...what to do? Write about my cat.
I didn't get to spend much time with my cat today. I'm not sure how happy she was about this, but she meowed a lot when she wanted me to know it was a canned food day. After that, she pretty much kept to herself. Some days she doesn't want to snuggle with me, but with things that smell like me. She likes to lay in my spot on the bed, and I once caught her in a basket of clothes that had previously been worn.
Sometimes I wonder what she would sound like if she could talk. I think she'd be pretty sarcastic and possibly a bit of a bitch. I am 100% sure that she would use swear words. Due to the looks she gives me when she knocks things off tables, I know that she would be opinionated. She insists on being noticed when she wants to be.
Perhaps the thing about my cat is her habit of walking across computer keyboards. It's not something that happens every once in a while, but at least a couple times a day. It will sometimes bring up different icons and programs. I think she's practicing for a future career in writing or communicating with the top secret government agency she works for. It's probably the writing career; the top secret spy thing is just too ridiculous. Someday there will be a book about the everyday life of my sisters and I, a complete tell-all novel in which she will make herself the heroine. If the book sells, she's totally paying me back for busting up my blinds.
Taking care
My blog slowed down a bit the past few days, but in my defense they weren't the best ones. There were good moments, but the nights have been hard as of late. Enough on that; on to something different.
I have surprised myself a bit this week. It once more became apparent just how little I do for myself. Don't get me wrong, I waste a enormous amount of my time on computer games and television, but not on things that would amount to me taking care of myself. I've wanted to be honest on this blog about what I am learning as far as dealing with depression and anxiety, and to do that this time I will need to share something that I don't usually let just anyone know...
I have poor hygiene.
There, I've said it. I will go days without showering, brushing my teeth, wearing my "out of the house" clothes, or brushing my hair. I usually don't leave my house like this, but that doesn't make it any better; it's still a big way that I don't care for myself which definitely gets in the way of helping others. It isn't something that I do intentionally. I never wake up in the morning and say to myself, "You know what sounds amazing? Not showering. Also, let's make the day completely awesome by not brushing your teeth so that your mouth smells like you are a person who likes to chew on dirty socks you found in the boy's locker room at a high school!" No, it's more of a complete lack of motivation to do anything productive. I can somehow feed the cat and add things to my netflix queue, but for some reason doing the everyday things that are good for me seem beyond my capability.
Last week I went my longest stretch of skipping daily hygiene. I won't say how long it was, but it is definitely not one of my proudest moments. One night I was sitting in the recliner watching television and playing on the computer while my cat was laying on my legs, and I just told myself that I needed to get up and shower. So that's what I did. My cat gave me an angry look when I moved her from my lap, but my butt got out of that chair. I took a shower, I brushed my teeth, and I even put on lotion. I felt the best I had in days. It was around 11pm, I had nowhere to go and no one to impress, and I took a shower just for me. My cat forgave me when I snuggled her post-shower.
I said that night that I would start doing the same thing every night, but that did not happen. I am definately not going more than a day without doing any hygiene activities, but I want to get the daily habit started. And this time I want to do it for myself. I don't want to do it to be a good example to others, because I want to impress some man, or because I want to hide my depression. I want to do it because it makes me feel good, human, and like a woman who respects herself. This evening when I was getting ready to go out to tea I looked at myself in the mirror. I told myself I looked pretty, and pointed out the different things I liked about my face and body. It felt glorious. I felt motivated to repeat the practice the next day.
To help with this goal, I will keep a record of my daily self care in a small notebook I have; something like the journal my great-great-aunt kept for herself, just a bit different. I got the idea while talking to a friend tonight over tea about the journals that the aunt kept about her days. I never wanted to before, but for myself I am going to.
So wish me luck! If this goes well, I envision my isolating in my house to decrease as well. If I can love myself it will make letting others love me a whole lot easier. Let the good times come.
I have surprised myself a bit this week. It once more became apparent just how little I do for myself. Don't get me wrong, I waste a enormous amount of my time on computer games and television, but not on things that would amount to me taking care of myself. I've wanted to be honest on this blog about what I am learning as far as dealing with depression and anxiety, and to do that this time I will need to share something that I don't usually let just anyone know...
I have poor hygiene.
There, I've said it. I will go days without showering, brushing my teeth, wearing my "out of the house" clothes, or brushing my hair. I usually don't leave my house like this, but that doesn't make it any better; it's still a big way that I don't care for myself which definitely gets in the way of helping others. It isn't something that I do intentionally. I never wake up in the morning and say to myself, "You know what sounds amazing? Not showering. Also, let's make the day completely awesome by not brushing your teeth so that your mouth smells like you are a person who likes to chew on dirty socks you found in the boy's locker room at a high school!" No, it's more of a complete lack of motivation to do anything productive. I can somehow feed the cat and add things to my netflix queue, but for some reason doing the everyday things that are good for me seem beyond my capability.
Last week I went my longest stretch of skipping daily hygiene. I won't say how long it was, but it is definitely not one of my proudest moments. One night I was sitting in the recliner watching television and playing on the computer while my cat was laying on my legs, and I just told myself that I needed to get up and shower. So that's what I did. My cat gave me an angry look when I moved her from my lap, but my butt got out of that chair. I took a shower, I brushed my teeth, and I even put on lotion. I felt the best I had in days. It was around 11pm, I had nowhere to go and no one to impress, and I took a shower just for me. My cat forgave me when I snuggled her post-shower.
I said that night that I would start doing the same thing every night, but that did not happen. I am definately not going more than a day without doing any hygiene activities, but I want to get the daily habit started. And this time I want to do it for myself. I don't want to do it to be a good example to others, because I want to impress some man, or because I want to hide my depression. I want to do it because it makes me feel good, human, and like a woman who respects herself. This evening when I was getting ready to go out to tea I looked at myself in the mirror. I told myself I looked pretty, and pointed out the different things I liked about my face and body. It felt glorious. I felt motivated to repeat the practice the next day.
To help with this goal, I will keep a record of my daily self care in a small notebook I have; something like the journal my great-great-aunt kept for herself, just a bit different. I got the idea while talking to a friend tonight over tea about the journals that the aunt kept about her days. I never wanted to before, but for myself I am going to.
So wish me luck! If this goes well, I envision my isolating in my house to decrease as well. If I can love myself it will make letting others love me a whole lot easier. Let the good times come.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Oh Brain, you stinker!
I don't really know what to write about today. If I think about what I did, or what I was thinking about, I suppose I could write about my sister.
As previously written about, I am in my late twenties, while my sister is a pre-adolescent. Last night she stayed here at the apartment, so this morning I had to wake up and get her ready for her early martial arts class. I don't know if you've ever tried to get a pre-adolescent ready for something in 30 minutes, but it is one of the most frustrating things in the world. What doesn't help is that, like myself at her age, she moves at the speed of a three-legged turtle. This amounts to an early morning test of patience for yours truly.
So, at this time, what would be something that would make the situation worse? Oh, I know! Two other siblings who butt in and try to help with the situation by giving the small one multiple directions while I am trying to keep her on track. Then they actually snap at her, and at me, when she gets frustrated and I try to correct her behavior. Never mind the fact that I have worked with children for years; I am told that I need to stop telling the older sisters how to handle the younger sister.
There is nothing that angers me faster than someone not listening to what I say when I know more about how to handle a situation better than they do. Nothing will make me yell, fight, or devalue some one's efforts or opinions quicker than someone not objectively listening to the knowledge I am trying to impart. I have little patience for stubborn refusal, and absolutely no respect for stubborn idiocy. This may sound harsh, but it is the way I think. I mean, if I am making a table and a carpenter comes up saying, "Ma'am, I have been a carpenter for three years, and I'm afraid your measurements are wrong and your table will be crooked," I would listen to them; I would double check my measurements. Why would I do this? Because that person would have more knowledge and experience of the task at hand. I don't think this is a difficult concept to grasp.
After this, I spent most of my day trying to figure out if my annoyance was due to logic, or my own emotions and habits of trying to save people and situations. I didn't get my answer, although I was leaning toward logic, but the very question gave me pause. Since my therapist told me that I need to spend at least 30% of my energy on myself (out of 100%), I've felt conflicted. I've thought over all the reasons why this is a silly notion and even wondered if my pro-bono therapist doesn't understand the concept of living a life of helping others. At that point, I got annoyed at myself.
I have to take my own advice. I need to stop annoying myself. Don't get me wrong; I am not telling myself I am an idiot, belittling myself for not realising this sooner, or thinking of punishing myself for thinking wrong. No, I merely see that it's not such a bad thing that I know all the things that I know. Had I not had all my experience trying to help other people, of working in a behavioral health setting, it might be taking me a lot longer to realise the things I need to do. I can be thankful for that, instead of seeing it as another failing on my part for not following what I've known for years.
As previously written about, I am in my late twenties, while my sister is a pre-adolescent. Last night she stayed here at the apartment, so this morning I had to wake up and get her ready for her early martial arts class. I don't know if you've ever tried to get a pre-adolescent ready for something in 30 minutes, but it is one of the most frustrating things in the world. What doesn't help is that, like myself at her age, she moves at the speed of a three-legged turtle. This amounts to an early morning test of patience for yours truly.
So, at this time, what would be something that would make the situation worse? Oh, I know! Two other siblings who butt in and try to help with the situation by giving the small one multiple directions while I am trying to keep her on track. Then they actually snap at her, and at me, when she gets frustrated and I try to correct her behavior. Never mind the fact that I have worked with children for years; I am told that I need to stop telling the older sisters how to handle the younger sister.
There is nothing that angers me faster than someone not listening to what I say when I know more about how to handle a situation better than they do. Nothing will make me yell, fight, or devalue some one's efforts or opinions quicker than someone not objectively listening to the knowledge I am trying to impart. I have little patience for stubborn refusal, and absolutely no respect for stubborn idiocy. This may sound harsh, but it is the way I think. I mean, if I am making a table and a carpenter comes up saying, "Ma'am, I have been a carpenter for three years, and I'm afraid your measurements are wrong and your table will be crooked," I would listen to them; I would double check my measurements. Why would I do this? Because that person would have more knowledge and experience of the task at hand. I don't think this is a difficult concept to grasp.
After this, I spent most of my day trying to figure out if my annoyance was due to logic, or my own emotions and habits of trying to save people and situations. I didn't get my answer, although I was leaning toward logic, but the very question gave me pause. Since my therapist told me that I need to spend at least 30% of my energy on myself (out of 100%), I've felt conflicted. I've thought over all the reasons why this is a silly notion and even wondered if my pro-bono therapist doesn't understand the concept of living a life of helping others. At that point, I got annoyed at myself.
I have to take my own advice. I need to stop annoying myself. Don't get me wrong; I am not telling myself I am an idiot, belittling myself for not realising this sooner, or thinking of punishing myself for thinking wrong. No, I merely see that it's not such a bad thing that I know all the things that I know. Had I not had all my experience trying to help other people, of working in a behavioral health setting, it might be taking me a lot longer to realise the things I need to do. I can be thankful for that, instead of seeing it as another failing on my part for not following what I've known for years.
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