Going to a day program can get a bit tiring. I am there for about 6 hours, which is filled with group after group after group. This isn't to say that I am not getting anything out of it, but I come home pretty emotionally drained.
When I go, it is pretty much the same group of people every time. I haven't found anyone to be a horrible person, but there are definitely a few that annoy the living crap out of me. Mostly it's the fakers. Fakers are the people who are in the program, think they know everything, yet consistently disrupt the group with small talk and jokes about drugs. I used to get annoyed with that when I was a youth care worker, but I have to admit to being a bit less judgemental with the teenagers because I don't expect them to magically know everything. Adults are different. I expect them to have some sort of working intellect that leaves them open to learning new things and applying them to their life.
I'm not sure if it makes me judgemental to think this way, but it is the truth. I know I am in the program because I realised that I can't make myself feel better, and do not have any control in my life at this time. I think most of the people in my group are the same way. We just want to know how to live life along with our particular illness.
I also have discovered something else. You see, my parents didn't do the best job teaching me how to deal with life in a crisis stage. I don't think this would be different for me at any age. I could be 50 and still be wondering exactly how I am supposed to act as an adult. So maybe I should cut some of my fellow program goers some slack. It's hard, but maybe I can do it.
Other than the day program, I don't really have a whole lot going on in life. I am waiting to talk with case workers and case managers about getting aid to pay my bills, seeing as my mental illnesses are to the point where they disrupt the way my life functions. I am hoping that I don't have to try for disability or anything like that, because I don't feel disabled; I feel unable to get up and go to a job every day.
I wish I could explain in better detail about how I feel. I've isolated a little by not reaching out to communicate with others. I hate my phone not ringing and not being invited to hang out with others. Thankfully I still have the good ol' platonic life partner and my great Oregonian friend who encourage me and/or give me somewhere to go that isn't my house. Calling other people just feels like admitting defeat; not to mention the guilt I feel for not being a good adult.
That's where I am today. I hope tomorrow is better. I hope that I can start to adjust to all these feelings brought up in group and individual therapy without losing the rest of my mind in the process. Hopefully depression and anxiety take the hint soon that I want them to behave...they just need more training.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Practice makes...things easier.
Being a patient in a day program is feeling a bit surreal. I feel as if I have switched places with the girls at the group home I worked at. The only difference is that I am alert and listening, and some are...not very open to what is happening. Oh, and I am in fact finding myself judging, which I really need to stop doing.
This past Friday was my first day there, and I was pretty stoked because I was having terrible side-effects to two newer medications. And trust me, side effects like hallucinations, dry mouth, and confusion are not fun at all. I wasn't having any hardcore hallucinations, it just always seemed like there was something in my peripheral vision. Thankfully the doc pulled me off of those right away, but I'm still waiting for the dry mouth and confusion to go away.
In addition to the day program, I find myself having to attempt to get public assistance for things like rent and the phone bill. I have found that you literally have to jump through flaming hoops to get anything done. That, or pop out a kid. It may sound a little vain, but I worked 3 years in behavioral health and don't have a child that I can't provide for; it seems I should get some kudos for that. It'd be great to hear a worker say, "Hey! Way to go on that whole keeping your legs shut thing! That was a really good idea." In saying this, I know that some people were responsible by using protection that just didn't work...they deserve some kudos as well.
It feels weird going to day treatment every day, and I don't like that I am not working. My poor sisters are stressed to their limits about getting the bills paid, and I might have to ask my dad for money. I want to get better, and apparently this is a part of how to do it. I know what I am supposed to do; it's the action of doing it that seems to be the problem. Practice coping, practice dealing with irritability, learn to live every day of my life with depression. I think I know what that will look like, because Ive faked it before. The interesting thing is going to be how it will make me feel.
I feel that this post is long enough, so I'm going to snuggle with my kitty Luella because she's in a rare snuggle me mood.
This past Friday was my first day there, and I was pretty stoked because I was having terrible side-effects to two newer medications. And trust me, side effects like hallucinations, dry mouth, and confusion are not fun at all. I wasn't having any hardcore hallucinations, it just always seemed like there was something in my peripheral vision. Thankfully the doc pulled me off of those right away, but I'm still waiting for the dry mouth and confusion to go away.
In addition to the day program, I find myself having to attempt to get public assistance for things like rent and the phone bill. I have found that you literally have to jump through flaming hoops to get anything done. That, or pop out a kid. It may sound a little vain, but I worked 3 years in behavioral health and don't have a child that I can't provide for; it seems I should get some kudos for that. It'd be great to hear a worker say, "Hey! Way to go on that whole keeping your legs shut thing! That was a really good idea." In saying this, I know that some people were responsible by using protection that just didn't work...they deserve some kudos as well.
It feels weird going to day treatment every day, and I don't like that I am not working. My poor sisters are stressed to their limits about getting the bills paid, and I might have to ask my dad for money. I want to get better, and apparently this is a part of how to do it. I know what I am supposed to do; it's the action of doing it that seems to be the problem. Practice coping, practice dealing with irritability, learn to live every day of my life with depression. I think I know what that will look like, because Ive faked it before. The interesting thing is going to be how it will make me feel.
I feel that this post is long enough, so I'm going to snuggle with my kitty Luella because she's in a rare snuggle me mood.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Becoming Humble
I am 100% sure that God is trying to teach me humility. Do you want proof? I am in an adult day treatment program. I wasn't forced to, but chose to go on my own. I now will be surrounded every day by people that I have put down or made jokes about before.
See, before I lost my marbles, I used to think that adults that were in and out of the hospital or attending any form of day programming were incapable of taking care of themselves due to very difficult mental illnesses like schizophrenia, on drugs, or just plain stupid. I had never wanted to work with adults with issues because they tended to piss me off. Well, now I'm one of them, and I am feeling the sting of my own habit to judge. So far, after my first day, I am sure that at least 70% of my fellow day residents are there because they want to get better. I fall into the 70%, thankfully.
The humility is coming because I realise that no matter the individual diagnoses I have a lot in common with these people. The first thing I think of is that I have found my life to be unmanageable. I see that there are a lot of reasons for me to be depressed, but I am my biggest reason for being as bad as I am right now because I did not cope the ways I could have. This is not to say that I think my depression is my fault; it's the chemicals in my brain deciding they don't want to do what they should. What I do see is that my depression is something that I can manage a lot better than I have been.
The sort of funny thing is that, having worked in behavioral health, I keep wanting to dole out advice to the others in my group. I know how to handle certain situations, I'm just not very good at motivating to do so. At the same time, I've already learned certain things from the other patients in the program. And they're the people I wouldn't have expected to have any advice I could use in my life. That's when I begin to feel humble.
So instead of judging people or trying to figure out what's wrong with them, I'll try this humble loving thing. I'll keep an open mind and remember that everyone is working on themselves just as I am.
I will, however, be relating funny stories of things that happen. No real names or anything personal of course...damn HIPPA.
See, before I lost my marbles, I used to think that adults that were in and out of the hospital or attending any form of day programming were incapable of taking care of themselves due to very difficult mental illnesses like schizophrenia, on drugs, or just plain stupid. I had never wanted to work with adults with issues because they tended to piss me off. Well, now I'm one of them, and I am feeling the sting of my own habit to judge. So far, after my first day, I am sure that at least 70% of my fellow day residents are there because they want to get better. I fall into the 70%, thankfully.
The humility is coming because I realise that no matter the individual diagnoses I have a lot in common with these people. The first thing I think of is that I have found my life to be unmanageable. I see that there are a lot of reasons for me to be depressed, but I am my biggest reason for being as bad as I am right now because I did not cope the ways I could have. This is not to say that I think my depression is my fault; it's the chemicals in my brain deciding they don't want to do what they should. What I do see is that my depression is something that I can manage a lot better than I have been.
The sort of funny thing is that, having worked in behavioral health, I keep wanting to dole out advice to the others in my group. I know how to handle certain situations, I'm just not very good at motivating to do so. At the same time, I've already learned certain things from the other patients in the program. And they're the people I wouldn't have expected to have any advice I could use in my life. That's when I begin to feel humble.
So instead of judging people or trying to figure out what's wrong with them, I'll try this humble loving thing. I'll keep an open mind and remember that everyone is working on themselves just as I am.
I will, however, be relating funny stories of things that happen. No real names or anything personal of course...damn HIPPA.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
Tomorrow we will be having an estate sale for pretty much everything in my grandparents' house. I spent yesterday cleaning off furniture and watching as a price tag was put on things so familiar and dear to me. It did come to me, as I was dusting the computer desk in the blue room, that I really don't want a lot of these things. I got a few items from the house after Grandpa passed, and they are just things that bring back memories of my grandparents.
The funny thing is that even though I have the objects that I do, it doesn't really matter where everything goes. Grandma and Grandpa are gone and have no use for them, and it makes sense to sell them. Yet still, I am sad.
I realised fully, for the first time, that life will be different from here on out. Someone with no relation to me will buy the house. It will not be the safe place it always was. Many things will be changed; the color of the walls, the furniture, and probably the entire kitchen. The new owners will probably not have incense burning in the kitchen all the time, and I am sure they won't have the same smell as Grandma did. The house is already starting to look like an empty shell, and soon I will have no reason to go there.
Thankfully I can remember the both of them, and I have pictures. I think that's better than a dresser set or dining room table any day. I don't like this change, but I haven't liked a lot of changes lately. I'm getting through this though; step by step I seem to be gaining some ground. I will in fact be in an outpatient treatment facility during the days starting tomorrow. It's embarassing, humility inducing, and a bit of hope.
In the words of Ok Go: "Let it go this too shall pass"
The funny thing is that even though I have the objects that I do, it doesn't really matter where everything goes. Grandma and Grandpa are gone and have no use for them, and it makes sense to sell them. Yet still, I am sad.
I realised fully, for the first time, that life will be different from here on out. Someone with no relation to me will buy the house. It will not be the safe place it always was. Many things will be changed; the color of the walls, the furniture, and probably the entire kitchen. The new owners will probably not have incense burning in the kitchen all the time, and I am sure they won't have the same smell as Grandma did. The house is already starting to look like an empty shell, and soon I will have no reason to go there.
Thankfully I can remember the both of them, and I have pictures. I think that's better than a dresser set or dining room table any day. I don't like this change, but I haven't liked a lot of changes lately. I'm getting through this though; step by step I seem to be gaining some ground. I will in fact be in an outpatient treatment facility during the days starting tomorrow. It's embarassing, humility inducing, and a bit of hope.
In the words of Ok Go: "Let it go this too shall pass"
Monday, April 11, 2011
I did what?!
I have been the very picture of a productive person today.
Well, except for the naps and frequent breaks I took, I productively did some work around the house and such. Here's what went down:
1. I woke up at 7:30ish, which I blame on going to sleep at a good time last night.
2. I didn't feel tired when I woke up.
3. I then dressed and went to the store to buy milk and something yummy for breakfast.
4. I ate breakfast, then went to the PLP's to borrow her vacuum as ours is broken.
5. Upon arriving at home, I vacuumed and shampooed the carpet in the entryway.
6. Nap, glorious nap.
7. When I woke up, my sister helped me move around furniture so that I could get my cleaning on. I had to scrub spots and it was wonderfully somewhat difficult. I did finish the dining room and kitchen though. Everything else can be done tomorrow.
I feel pride in what I did today. I didn't just sit on the couch like a dud, oh no. I was on it. I really hope this isn't just one good day in a sea of depressional sorrow, but a show of a little progress. I had energy, and I did something! I really want to hold on to this.
Well, except for the naps and frequent breaks I took, I productively did some work around the house and such. Here's what went down:
1. I woke up at 7:30ish, which I blame on going to sleep at a good time last night.
2. I didn't feel tired when I woke up.
3. I then dressed and went to the store to buy milk and something yummy for breakfast.
4. I ate breakfast, then went to the PLP's to borrow her vacuum as ours is broken.
5. Upon arriving at home, I vacuumed and shampooed the carpet in the entryway.
6. Nap, glorious nap.
7. When I woke up, my sister helped me move around furniture so that I could get my cleaning on. I had to scrub spots and it was wonderfully somewhat difficult. I did finish the dining room and kitchen though. Everything else can be done tomorrow.
I feel pride in what I did today. I didn't just sit on the couch like a dud, oh no. I was on it. I really hope this isn't just one good day in a sea of depressional sorrow, but a show of a little progress. I had energy, and I did something! I really want to hold on to this.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
This morning I find myself doing some hardcore thinking. I've recently been given the offer to move in with a friend in Oregon (well, re-offered). The more I think about it and talk to my friends and loved ones about it, the more it looks like it's going to happen.
It's a scary and exciting possibility. I mean, who wouldn't want to live here?
I'd be living in a town, but great stuff like this isn't far away. In fact, this isn't even the best picture I have. The nature there alone makes me feel closer to God. Not to mention it rains lots there, which I love. My friend there is AHmazing and helps to inspire much happiness in me. Plus as an extra bonus, the only person I am going there to help is myself; which makes it amazingly better than every other time I have tried to leave my state.
But there are things that make me want to stay here, like...
My 12 yr old sister and neice. They are growing so fast!
Then there are my younger older sisters, who are pretty friggin awesome.
Then there are my best friend's children.
There are more things, but I really love these kids and don't want to leave them. It's scary...but then what isn't? Things are still up in the air. I'm glad it's a Sunday so I don't really think about all the things I have to do in a week.
I have no idea what I will decide, but I pray I will make the right choice. I have a couple months to think on it anyway, so I think that will help. And as selfish as it sounds, i would hope if I did leave people would miss me. I'd probably have to learn to return texts and emails a lot quicker than i do now.
More about this later. I started this post 2-3 days ago and hadn't been able to finish it. I'm sure this will take more words to go through.
It's a scary and exciting possibility. I mean, who wouldn't want to live here?
But there are things that make me want to stay here, like...
There are more things, but I really love these kids and don't want to leave them. It's scary...but then what isn't? Things are still up in the air. I'm glad it's a Sunday so I don't really think about all the things I have to do in a week.
I have no idea what I will decide, but I pray I will make the right choice. I have a couple months to think on it anyway, so I think that will help. And as selfish as it sounds, i would hope if I did leave people would miss me. I'd probably have to learn to return texts and emails a lot quicker than i do now.
More about this later. I started this post 2-3 days ago and hadn't been able to finish it. I'm sure this will take more words to go through.
A normal day?
I want to write, but I don't know what to write about! Today was almost a regular day. I woke up late, and did not feel like doing anything at all. I got on the computer and played games, then wanted to go back to bed. On most days, this would be what I would do all day, but it was interrupted.
I had to shower and take one of my younger sisters to the ER. She's good now, but super tired. I made the nurses and physician assistant laugh a lot. My sister was entertained by the different things I was doing to my hair to look "attractive". This longer hair is really helping my silly patern.
Oh, and I tried something new tonight. I had some beer brauts made from Fat Tire. It was nice, considering I can't drink alcohol right now. They were delish, and I carry with me a bit of a grill smell - which I love.
I did make one observation today, and that is that I need to do some more social stuff. I end up at my platonic life partner's house all the time, and I really think she needs a break. So if you're reading this and know me, please invite me places, because otherwise I will sit at home on my rear end.
Ok that's all for tonight. I must go and investigate a noise that is strange and will probably end up being my upstairs neighbors vaccuming their apartment.
*Edit: It was the upstairs neighbors vaccuming.
I had to shower and take one of my younger sisters to the ER. She's good now, but super tired. I made the nurses and physician assistant laugh a lot. My sister was entertained by the different things I was doing to my hair to look "attractive". This longer hair is really helping my silly patern.
Oh, and I tried something new tonight. I had some beer brauts made from Fat Tire. It was nice, considering I can't drink alcohol right now. They were delish, and I carry with me a bit of a grill smell - which I love.
I did make one observation today, and that is that I need to do some more social stuff. I end up at my platonic life partner's house all the time, and I really think she needs a break. So if you're reading this and know me, please invite me places, because otherwise I will sit at home on my rear end.
Ok that's all for tonight. I must go and investigate a noise that is strange and will probably end up being my upstairs neighbors vaccuming their apartment.
*Edit: It was the upstairs neighbors vaccuming.
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