Going to a day program can get a bit tiring. I am there for about 6 hours, which is filled with group after group after group. This isn't to say that I am not getting anything out of it, but I come home pretty emotionally drained.
When I go, it is pretty much the same group of people every time. I haven't found anyone to be a horrible person, but there are definitely a few that annoy the living crap out of me. Mostly it's the fakers. Fakers are the people who are in the program, think they know everything, yet consistently disrupt the group with small talk and jokes about drugs. I used to get annoyed with that when I was a youth care worker, but I have to admit to being a bit less judgemental with the teenagers because I don't expect them to magically know everything. Adults are different. I expect them to have some sort of working intellect that leaves them open to learning new things and applying them to their life.
I'm not sure if it makes me judgemental to think this way, but it is the truth. I know I am in the program because I realised that I can't make myself feel better, and do not have any control in my life at this time. I think most of the people in my group are the same way. We just want to know how to live life along with our particular illness.
I also have discovered something else. You see, my parents didn't do the best job teaching me how to deal with life in a crisis stage. I don't think this would be different for me at any age. I could be 50 and still be wondering exactly how I am supposed to act as an adult. So maybe I should cut some of my fellow program goers some slack. It's hard, but maybe I can do it.
Other than the day program, I don't really have a whole lot going on in life. I am waiting to talk with case workers and case managers about getting aid to pay my bills, seeing as my mental illnesses are to the point where they disrupt the way my life functions. I am hoping that I don't have to try for disability or anything like that, because I don't feel disabled; I feel unable to get up and go to a job every day.
I wish I could explain in better detail about how I feel. I've isolated a little by not reaching out to communicate with others. I hate my phone not ringing and not being invited to hang out with others. Thankfully I still have the good ol' platonic life partner and my great Oregonian friend who encourage me and/or give me somewhere to go that isn't my house. Calling other people just feels like admitting defeat; not to mention the guilt I feel for not being a good adult.
That's where I am today. I hope tomorrow is better. I hope that I can start to adjust to all these feelings brought up in group and individual therapy without losing the rest of my mind in the process. Hopefully depression and anxiety take the hint soon that I want them to behave...they just need more training.
Jayni,
ReplyDeleteI am not going to say that I totally understand where you are at right now because I am not in an outpatient program so I can't full understand where you are at, but I can really relate feeling let down by parents. I am/was in the same position as you where I wasn't given the tools to deal with life by my parents. I guess where we differ is I took my lack in life skills and turned in into drive...drive to be different from my parents, drive to go to college, drive to make something of myself, etc etc. However, like you, I am stuck between a rock and a hard place dealing with being in 'crisis' mode and still feel some what 'normal' (whatever that is!) at the same time. Being in crisis flat out sucks; dealing with depression is even suckier, but one positive thing in all of it, is that it is managable if you are willing to be motivated kick learning to live with it in the ass!
On a side note, I understand the wanting your phone to ring and someone to be calling you to hang out and that you making the phone call, you feel defeated. It can take a lot of guts to call someone you don't normally call to get together, but maybe that is a fear to over come...? I mean what is the worse that could happen? They could say they are busy or not answer... or they could say yes and make plans!!! I know if you called me, I may not always answer but I call back and I have a lot of free time !! :) hint hint. or text!
You aren't along in feeling what you're feeling, that is for sure... I know I can relate in some way to a lot of your posts!
hope to hear from you soon!!
Haaaaaai Girl Haiiii.
ReplyDeleteSo yeah, I was thinking...maybe some people are kind of scared in a way to call you? Know what I mean? I remember when I was younger and one of my friends had death in the family and I had no idea what to say to them.... Sometimes I think mental illness is like that... people dont know how to act with you know... maybe they are afraid that if they say the wrong thing to you you will relapse or cut them or I dont know tear the head off a chicken. (btw if you do the last option you sooo can not live with me...sorry ;) Honestly it was kind of scary for me to call you in the hospitol bc I didnt know how you would sound, or what you would say, and I was uber relieved to realize that you are still the Jayni that I love and had the same sense of humor, you had just been overwhelmed by life for a minute.
I dont know I am sort of rambling.
Btw you should look in to temporary disability... I think NE has it.
Ok.
p.s. Cut people some slack. They are just people ;)
I agree with your friend, some people may be afraid to call you,but on the same note the road runs both ways. Ya know? But I do agree with her when she says to give people some slack, they are just people! :) hope to hear from you soon!
ReplyDeleteLet's see here - I thought I wrote you earlier, but I must've not noticed the confirmation step. Oops.
ReplyDelete1 - I'm with you on being annoyed by immature people. They're just silly.
2 - Boogers and farts.
3 - You could look into a career in writing, Jay-broni. You're exceptionally talented at it (and everything else you do)!
You COULD call your favorite cousin yanno! Just an idea, most days I am sitting here talking baby talk. I swear, I think I am going to start talking as such to adults soon!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI wont really get into what I think here, You know I am your biggest fan NayNay. You can do this, and as I said, you have gotten SO much better in the last few weeks. Life dealt our whole family a devastating blow this past year. All in all, I really do feel we are handling it well. But...my dear cousin...pick up yer phone and call me! I love yer fayce!!!!