Charity

I'm having a hard time accepting grace today. There are plenty of things for me to be thankful for, things I don't deserve, but all I am doing is focusing on the negative. I even woke up this way. After staring into the bathroom mirror for a while, I went back to bed and didn't attend day treatment.

At this point, I am picturing my depression and anxiety as an opponent I have to fight every day. Some days I feel ready for the fight and come out kicking ass, while other days depression has executed a sneak attack at 3 a.m. and knocked me out before we even started. I think depression fights dirty, especially considering that it has panic on its side as well. Once you get knocked out by depression, anxiety comes and pins you down while trash talking and saying a panic attack is on its way.

Today I feel beat up. I feel that everything is harder to do. It's hard to get out of bed, hard to go to the living room, hard to answer the phone, hard to eat, hard to do anything.

Here's the kicker - I don't have much to be depressed about today. My dad told me last night that he is going to take care of my car payment so that it won't get repossessed, my aunt and uncle are giving us money to help cover rent, my gloriously wonderful friend is sending me some money to help out, and all of this I found out last night or this morning. Also, I didn't ask for any of it. I prayed that God would help with the money situation, and He did. Grace. I am being given what I did nothing to earn.

I want to be greateful, I want to smile and dance around, but this cloud of darkness is around my head and refusing to leave.

I read about grace today while reading "Blue Like Jazz". In the chapter he talks about how it is hard to accept grace because it's like accepting charity, and his pride doesn't want to let him do that. I feel the same. I leave you with the last paragraph of this chapter in the hope that writing it out will help me to live it.

"In exchange for our humility and willingness to accept the charity of God, we are given a kingdom. And a beggar's kingdom is better than a proud man's delusion."