I want to be asleep...

Before I start into my subject, I feel it should be known that I am really tired, and therefore may not make a whole lot of sense. I might though, so here goes.

I met with one of my social worker people today (apparently I have three now), and I am starting to feel hope that I will be able to get some aid to pay those pesky bills like rent and phone. While I think this is great, I can't get the voice of the perfectionist out of my head; the voice that demands I be able to do this on my own. I tried telling it out loud to shut the hell up, but then felt that it would come too close to talking to people who aren't there, so I stopped.

What didn't help today was that my fibromyalgia decided to attack my body with pain, and I missed day programming. I wish I would have been there today. Had I been there, I would not have been home to hear my sister tell me that once our lease is up I need to find a different living situation because she doesn't want to live with me. It's a really great thing to hear your younger sister say that to you; great if you also like your heart pulled out of your chest, set on fire, then stomped on. She said I had better be looking for ways to make the move to Oregon happen.

Now this is where we get some meat on the bones. Do I want to move to Oregon? I don't know yet. It has been on my mind since the offer was given, but I don't want to act impulsively, and I most definitely want it to be my own decision, not someone else's. I am trying to get my life on a somewhat steady footing, and it would be a bit of extra work to move states. That being said, I love Oregon, and I love who I would be living with. However, with my sister making it sound like a demand, it sheds a whole new light on the situation.

There is a deep desire for me to now run away. To get away from the bills that I can't pay, the sister who is stressed out over me, and be somewhere where a walk is an inspiring thing.

So tonight - or rather, this morning - my head is going 60 miles a minute as I try to think this whole thing out. The more I think, the more I just want to go somewhere and talk to someone, which isn't easy to do at 1:33am. Perhaps I will make an effort to reach out tomorrow. It's the start of Easter weekend, which makes me think of love and sacrifice; two things I feel I am in need of.