Today was a bad day. I have decided that instead of talking about what happened, I will give you all a peek at what goes through the head of someone with depression. After all, I started this blog so I could share what my mental illness is like...so here we go. This is what my brain tells me throughout the day.
"Fucking dumbass! I pushed the snooze button on your alarm too many times. How many fucking times do I have to do this shit before I know it makes me late for things that are fucking important."
"I feel like shit and I need to go home, and now they are probably going to discharge my ass from day treatment. Good job me, you're just a big fucking winner. Way to fail again."
"Great. The doctor is running late. What the fuck am I supposed to do to get out of this one? Should I leave? I can't even think straight. Fucking idiot. Way to leave a pair of kids at school. Hope you didn't enjoy that friendship you fucking nimrod."
"And now you got discharged from your day treatment...unsuccessfully. Great job loser. Do you ever finish anything? I mean really, try to think of one thing you finished.......and you can't because you're a loser."
"Dad is mad at me again because he has to pay for my meds the doc gave me. He wants me to get a job. Of course. Because I'm fucking lazy and can't do shit for myself. I should just stay in this fucking bed until I die. God please just let me die while I'm asleep, then all would be solved. Of course, there goes finishing anything again. Loser, loser, loser. And now you're alone, like you will be your whole life because people don't want to be around a fucking downer. I should call a friend but then they will think I'm a fucking nut job because I'm crying."
"I want food. Junk food. And a cigarette. I want to shove my face, then have a cigarette even though I'm sick. I just really don't care."
Eventually the negative thoughts stopped, mostly because I actually used my coping skills. That's what goes through my head though. Even though it was a bad day, I have had much worse, so the talk has been even worse.
I don't want any comments that say "I'm sorry you feel that way", or "You aren't a loser," because I already know that. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I know that at least 99% of the negative things that go through my head are lies. I didn't know what to write today, and I thought this would fit into my theme of showing what my recovery in mental illness is like.
Oh Jayni! I am definitely not going to say I am sorry or that you aren't a loser because you already DO know you aren't a loser (like you said), but what I will say is that there is totally a reason you are talking that way to yourself in your head! Girl I know when I am in a bad mood and I just don't want to be somewhere I am beating myself up to myself inside my head and it sounds pretty similiar to that. So I don't think its out of the ordinary to be cursing at yourself and calling yourself a loser, dumbass, and thinking of the negative things that people have said about you (probably out of anger) when you aren't having a good day.
ReplyDeleteSo did you get unsuccessfully discharged from treatment?? That sucks if you did, but I guess the thing you have to ask yourself is what got you discharged and then get your ass back into treatment! (I'm kinda blunt, but my hearts in the right place :)) I read in your blogs and know that inbetween all the shit you are dealing with that you want to recover. I can't imagine what you are going through, but I read your blogs and I can relate to the feelings that are expressed in your writings. Even with what you said in this blog about sometimes hoping that you die in your sleep to make things easier; yup I thought that just last week.
I know its hard to call people when you are down, but there ARE people who can empathize with you, will support you, and will listen when you need them to. You aren't and don't have to be alone.... I wish you would call or text when you're having a bad day or just need someone to talk to! I know we don't know each other well, but I support you and will be here for you!
My sweet cuz.... The thing is, everyone on this planet has the same things go through their head, they just don't say it. Or they don't admit it. I think on a daily basis, I will say Im a loser, or a horrible mother, or Ive made way too many mistakes with my kids, why cant I get it together? You know we all struggle, some more than others I will admit. You need to call me. If you cant get the motivation in the morning, call me. Most days I would rather sit in my bed and not do anything. But, I have someone to say "get your ass out of bed and make something of your life!" If you need that, you know I am there for me. Never, ever ever think you are being a burden to me. Because, hell girl, the most interaction I get lately, is with a 4 year old and a 5 month old. Even if you want to come to my house, and sit on my couch, and just watch tv, guess what, at least you are out of your house! I love you, please remember that okay. Please call me when you need someone!!!!
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