I had my first interview for some actual aid today. There is nothing more humbling than talking with a person about what you don't have, who has been paying your bills for you, and what is happening with the bills you can't afford to pay. I am going to call it practice for my upcoming interview for disability.
Having left the apartment today after being inside since Friday, I realize how much I was depending on day treatment to keep me stable. There's something about spending a long period of time away from people, and the everyday interactions that most take for granted; it puts you in a mental state that is hard to get out of. I cannot even begin to describe how much of nothing that I've been doing. In my defense, I was really sick and my fibromyalgia was in full swing, but how can a human being truly experience life in a messy apartment away from the world?
I sometimes think about Emily Dickenson. People think she is really cool and amazing, and her poems really are awesome, but she lived through letters and poetry while being a shut-in. I don't think I could do that. As much as my depression makes me want to hide away from the world around me, I want to be around people.
I have this desire in me to be around people paired with the inability to make it happen on the consistent basis that I want to. Such is life.
Right now, I think I just need to stay positive and try to get my bills paid. I can do this...and I'll keep writing as i go.
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