Sex leads to dancing...

Whenever the topic of sex comes up in a conversation, I always think of the phrase "sex leads to dancing." It's meant to be a funny change up of something that had been said at the Christian college I attended, which was "dancing leads to sex." I don't really believe either statement, but it's a way to break the ice as we go into this subject.

First off, I am technically a virgin. I have never had sexual intercourse with a man. I've fooled around and regretted it, but that was 9 years ago and there's been nothing since. My virginity is something I have spent time being proud of, but now just gives me a lot to think about. Sex and I have had an up and down relationship.

When I was younger I was afraid of sex. First off, it didn't sound very fun when it was first explained to me. I was young so this was the normal reaction. However, by the age of 10, I hated sex. Sex broke up my parents and was therefore something very bad. I was informed that this was not the case all the time, just when the two people aren't married.

With that past, it was easy for me to jump on the "True Love Waits" bandwagon as a teenager. My dad bought me a promise ring, and I vowed that I would not have sex until I was married. This was not only done for my parents, but because it also seemed to be what God wanted me to do. I read in my bible about marriage, and it seemed that God was all for having sex with just one person.

It was easy for me to stick to this during most of my teens because there was no one that wanted to have sex with me and I wasn't really looking for it. Then I met a British guy over the internet, was in a relationship with him, and had oral sex with him when we were together. He had also wanted to save sex for marriage, but when tempted with it we caved quite easily. After breaking up and feeling guilty for what I did, he said that I had taken his virginity and made it OK for him to sleep with his next girlfriend. That guilt lasted for about two years and was extremely hard to get rid of.

After that relationship I was even more passionate about waiting until I was married to a man before we sexed each other up. It didn't matter if he was a virgin or not, just that we were "pure" until the exchanging of rings in front of friends and family. I promoted this to others, especially the girls in the youth group I helped to lead, and was not secretive about the experience I had in the past. It made it easier for other girls and women to talk with me about their own issues with sex, which I thought was pretty cool.

Yet now, the older I get, the more I wonder if it is worth it. I haven't been in a relationship with a man since I was 19, nor have I had any men interested in dating me. I sometimes wonder if this is due to my openness about waiting for marriage for sex; I can see where it would be kind of a turn off. My friends are sexually active, and I've even met Christians my age that love Jesus yet have had multiple sexual partners.

And it's not only that. I want to have sex. The fear of it I had when I was younger no longer remains. The women of my church that were open with me and willing to talk with me about sexual relationships helped me to get past that. I now feel that I am ready for a romantic relationship that involves physical affection. I'm not just ready, but I think about it a lot. When I say I want to have sex...I really mean it. A lot.

It all leads me to wonder if I should still be as worried about waiting for sex. I mean, is it worth it? Am I missing out on a wonderful life experience just because of some promise I made to God and my dad when I was 14? I don't know.

What I do know is that I still want to do what God wants me to - to follow His will. I think that at this age and period of my life, I'm willing to put my virginity on the back burner and pray that God guides me to where I need to be. I feel that God should be in every part of my life - even sex - so he should be in on the decision. I would hope that I find someone willing to discuss sex and pray about it. It's yet another unknown for the future, but it's one that is definitely on my mind a lot. I must say that I would really like to experience a man wanting to date me so I can at least get some kissing and snuggling...just to make the wait a bit easier.