Loving Yourself

I had my first real therapy session today in a while. A lot of things were talked about, and thankfully little of it was my past. I didn't go in with a whole lot of expectations, but I was helped a bit.
I have an assignment this week. I have to look into the possibilities of going back to do the one thing I had tried to do for myself. Having said that, there are obviously some little things that I do for myself; I eat, drink, go to the restroom, and sometimes hang out with friends. Yet even those things are done primarily with others in mind.
See, I have this need inside myself to save and fix other people; mostly I want to please other people. I pick people somewhat at random, but my ultimate goal is to help them in some way. I have always thought of this as being something I am meant to do. I mean, the bible even tells us to think of others before ourselves. It's my Christian duty to love my neighbor as myself.
Here's the problem...I don't love myself. I am opening myself up to a lot of vulnerability by admitting this, but it's true. I have this negative tape that plays over and over in my head telling me all these things that I do wrong. I have had many people tell me this in the past, and have also heard from therapists and friends, that I can help others in a more productive way if I spend at least a little time on myself. The problem has always been that I didn't believe them.
Now, through this downward spiral I experienced, I have seen the truth of this. I am currently unable to help people in the ways I have before. There is no joy or happiness from the job that I had committed myself to; there isn't even a feeling of accomplishment. There is nothing, a large gaping hole of nothing.
I am beginning to see that I have to care for myself if I am going to be able to care for others, to be able to truly experience the love of others. I know that it's going to take me a while to learn to do this. It will most likely be a struggle that lasts a lifetime, but I see hope for the future.
One thing I know will help is reminding myself of the truths of God's love. The other - working slowly on spending little amounts of time for things I need to do for myself. This week I have the assignment to look into what I would have to do to go back to school. This was the chosen assignment because I chose to go back to school for myself, and not for anyone else. If I complete this successfully, I get to reward myself with something I enjoy...a book. For those who know me, this shouldn't be a surprise, but it is something that has be a bit excited.
Tonight I feel some hope. And for tonight, that's enough.