After a long day of sitting on the couch with my computer while Netflix played television shows, I find that my thoughts are not wanting to slow down or shut off. I find myself thinking of the excuses I used today to do what essentially amounts to a whole lot of nothing. Today's was that I had worked hard the past two days at my new job, and due to being sore and worn out, I was entitled to a day of "relaxation".
The excuse of being sore only lasted until early afternoon, as the soreness wore off with some quality heating pad time for my legs, back, and shoulders. After that, I could have done things that needed done. I did not. I instead sat on my computer going back and forth between Facebook and games. I did not go to the store to buy shirts and pants I need for my job, did not do any housework that was crying out to be done, and definitely did not attempt to do anything about the disaster that I call my bedroom. Any of these things would have left me with a good feeling, that "I accomplished something and now feel a bit fulfilled" feeling, which I honestly needed to feel today. Instead I sat and listened to my head telling me that I was a lazy slob who would never amount to anything.
The thing that really gets me is that, intellectually at least, I know that I will amount to something. The problem is looking at the facts and being fair with myself (according to my therapist). Today I was lazy. I could probably technically be categorized as a slob as well due to the state of my bedroom and lack of housework done. I can't mentally beat myself up for these things though.
I've been trying to look at it this way: when I walk into some one's house and see that it's a mess (or even filthy), my first reaction is to see if that person needs help. I don't automatically classify them as slobs or anything, but try to find out what their situation is. Even if they are being lazy, I will usually cheer them on or try to motivate them to do some work for themselves. In fact, if I talked to others the way I talk to myself, I would probably be called a bitch...or something worse.
I want to find a way to cheer myself on and find motivation when I feel low. I know that my depression makes this a bit harder for me than the average joe on the street, but I can't keep using that as an excuse.
I want to be productive. I want to be someone that I can be proud of. There are moments when I feel proud of myself, and I do see tiny improvements in some areas. I just need that inner me to stop telling me that I'm not improving fast enough. So here we go, here I am stating what I know that I believe about myself and what I am capable of.
I believe I am worthy of love.
I believe I am capable of loving others.
I believe I am capable of loving myself.
I believe that I am intelligent.
I believe that I can learn to ask others for help when I need it, and accept it when they are unable to help me.
I believe that I have the love of a great God and personal Saviour.
I believe that the love of my God and Savior are available to me 100% of the time.
I believe that I can learn things and apply them to my life.
I believe that I will never reach perfection on this earth, but that I can strive to be the best me possible.
There's much more, but it feels good to get this much out...and also to take it back in.
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