Taking care

My blog slowed down a bit the past few days, but in my defense they weren't the best ones. There were good moments, but the nights have been hard as of late. Enough on that; on to something different.

I have surprised myself a bit this week. It once more became apparent just how little I do for myself. Don't get me wrong, I waste a enormous amount of my time on computer games and television, but not on things that would amount to me taking care of myself. I've wanted to be honest on this blog about what I am learning as far as dealing with depression and anxiety, and to do that this time I will need to share something that I don't usually let just anyone know...

I have poor hygiene.

There, I've said it. I will go days without showering, brushing my teeth, wearing my "out of the house" clothes, or brushing my hair. I usually don't leave my house like this, but that doesn't make it any better; it's still a big way that I don't care for myself which definitely gets in the way of helping others. It isn't something that I do intentionally. I never wake up in the morning and say to myself, "You know what sounds amazing? Not showering. Also, let's make the day completely awesome by not brushing your teeth so that your mouth smells like you are a person who likes to chew on dirty socks you found in the boy's locker room at a high school!" No, it's more of a complete lack of motivation to do anything productive. I can somehow feed the cat and add things to my netflix queue, but for some reason doing the everyday things that are good for me seem beyond my capability.
Last week I went my longest stretch of skipping daily hygiene. I won't say how long it was, but it is definitely not one of my proudest moments. One night I was sitting in the recliner watching television and playing on the computer while my cat was laying on my legs, and I just told myself that I needed to get up and shower. So that's what I did. My cat gave me an angry look when I moved her from my lap, but my butt got out of that chair. I took a shower, I brushed my teeth, and I even put on lotion. I felt the best I had in days. It was around 11pm, I had nowhere to go and no one to impress, and I took a shower just for me. My cat forgave me when I snuggled her post-shower.
I said that night that I would start doing the same thing every night, but that did not happen. I am definately not going more than a day without doing any hygiene activities, but I want to get the daily habit started. And this time I want to do it for myself. I don't want to do it to be a good example to others, because I want to impress some man, or because I want to hide my depression. I want to do it because it makes me feel good, human, and like a woman who respects herself. This evening when I was getting ready to go out to tea I looked at myself in the mirror. I told myself I looked pretty, and pointed out the different things I liked about my face and body. It felt glorious. I felt motivated to repeat the practice the next day.
To help with this goal, I will keep a record of my daily self care in a small notebook I have; something like the journal my great-great-aunt kept for herself, just a bit different. I got the idea while talking to a friend tonight over tea about the journals that the aunt kept about her days. I never wanted to before, but for myself I am going to.
So wish me luck! If this goes well, I envision my isolating in my house to decrease as well. If I can love myself it will make letting others love me a whole lot easier. Let the good times come.