What was and what could be

It's hard to find motivation when it's so easy to sit around. Yet, when I need to sit around, I want to be up and about doing different activities. Life's often that way, wanting what you don't have, or not knowing what you have until it's gone.
I talked with my cousin, sister, and platonic life-partner (best friend) about my grandmother today. Grandma passed very unexpectedly this past April. My aunt and cousin received a phone call from a neighbor that she was gone. The neighbor had seen my grandfather sitting on the front porch and was worried because he knew that my grandfather had demensia. When the neighbor approached my granfather, my grandfather said that there was a strange woman laying on the kitchen floor. The neighbor sent his young son inside, and they found my grandmother laying on her back against the fridge.
I heard this news on a day that I was feeling an immense amount of pain due to my fibromyalgia; in fact, it was when I was on my way home from an urgent care clinic. My first thought, and the thought that still remains, was that I did not spend enough time with her. Despite her flaws, of which I am aware, I thing that my grandma was an amazing woman. I can go into all the details of what kept me from going to her, but they are all excuses. The bottom line is that she loved me, and I have no idea if she knew how much I loved her. I don't think I did a very good job of showing her that love. I did not realise all the chances I had to be with her until she was gone. I'm starting to get to the point that I can forgive myself, but I'm not there yet.

On the other hand there are people that I give love to who do not reciprocate, or do not desire, that love. I spend large amounts of time thinking of people whose thoughts are not with me in the same way. Here is a (very) short story I wrote a while ago that will give you some idea of this second point...

            Would Woman A be more likely to give her love to the man if she knew of the existence of Woman B? This is not a case of a man romantically linked to two women, but a sort of triangle of hope. The man is infatuated with Woman A, who says she isn’t sure if she is ready for a relationship, says she needs time. Woman B has had the man on her mind for years, through his relationship with another, and a sporadic friendship between the two of them.

            Woman A and Woman B have never met. Woman B, through the discussion that flows between two friends, has heard of Woman A from the man. As is typical of the giver of feelings unreciprocated, Woman B has also gained what limited knowledge of Woman A she could through sources both flesh and material. After all of this, Woman B is left to wonder how Woman A could be so selfish and short sighted to keep the man stringing along with her hesitation.

            For instance, would it change a thing for Woman A to know that while Woman B tries to give of herself to the man, the man leaves her company to be with Woman A? Would it matter that Woman B has waited her entire life for a man to find her worthy of chasing, loving, admiring – only to watch women like Woman A shrug off what she so treasures? Woman B thinks not, so she consoles herself by hoping happiness for the man. Woman B consoles herself by reminders that Woman A is of a closer social and economic status to the man; that Woman A would be able to physically match the man in shape and form. Woman B tries to convince herself that the man would be happy with Woman A, because she wants the man to be happy almost more than she desires her own happiness.

            Yet Woman B sees that she and the man could be happy together. Woman B sees the similarities in their souls, the light of intelligent minds meeting, the calm passion of their talk. Woman B wants to show the man what she sees, but fear and past failures cause her to fear so she makes due with small hints dropped here or there in conversation. Woman B desires the man’s presence over the presence of others in her life, and her heart warms at the sound of his voice. She feels excited and anxious, yet strangely safe when he is around. If not for Woman A, Woman B would stay forever the man’s friend, content with the time given to her.

            So now, in the middle of the night, Woman B is left wondering if things would be different if her heart were seen. She wonders if there is a point to making her feelings known to the one whose happiness she desires to be wrapped in with her own. She wants to have the man know so that he can leave now and cease to show kindness that can be mistaken for deeper emotion; to go and be happy without her so that she can be happy alone. Most of all Woman B wants to change her thoughts, so that she can rest for the night instead of thinking of the man and Woman A.

So those are my thoughts for today. I guess it basically amounts to the grass being greener on the other side. Sometimes it's good to put things in perspective so that you can decide what is worth your time and efforts. May I someday figure out how that works.