Poem II

OK  here's another poem. I tried something new this time, so I'm hoping it works. Also, I need to find my thesaurus. Feedback much welcomed

Crawling up to my head

Slinking, crawling, creeping

Making its way to the core

It begins to dig and slurp

Slimy, dark, determined

Once inside it lays its eggs

Black, hard, stinking

It finds a sturdy place to stay

A place of control

Gripping, pricking, cold

It takes my thoughts

Treacherous, demented, dangerous

My brain tries to fight

Every thread is taut with effort

Pulling, pushing, pulsing

To defeat it I must do something

Courageous, drastic, brave

I tell others about its existence

I take the antidotes of all colors

Smooth, charged, melting

I take it day by day

Hard, jolting, scary

The monster loses his grip

I gain more ground every day

Sweetly, softly, fully

Charity

I'm having a hard time accepting grace today. There are plenty of things for me to be thankful for, things I don't deserve, but all I am doing is focusing on the negative. I even woke up this way. After staring into the bathroom mirror for a while, I went back to bed and didn't attend day treatment.

At this point, I am picturing my depression and anxiety as an opponent I have to fight every day. Some days I feel ready for the fight and come out kicking ass, while other days depression has executed a sneak attack at 3 a.m. and knocked me out before we even started. I think depression fights dirty, especially considering that it has panic on its side as well. Once you get knocked out by depression, anxiety comes and pins you down while trash talking and saying a panic attack is on its way.

Today I feel beat up. I feel that everything is harder to do. It's hard to get out of bed, hard to go to the living room, hard to answer the phone, hard to eat, hard to do anything.

Here's the kicker - I don't have much to be depressed about today. My dad told me last night that he is going to take care of my car payment so that it won't get repossessed, my aunt and uncle are giving us money to help cover rent, my gloriously wonderful friend is sending me some money to help out, and all of this I found out last night or this morning. Also, I didn't ask for any of it. I prayed that God would help with the money situation, and He did. Grace. I am being given what I did nothing to earn.

I want to be greateful, I want to smile and dance around, but this cloud of darkness is around my head and refusing to leave.

I read about grace today while reading "Blue Like Jazz". In the chapter he talks about how it is hard to accept grace because it's like accepting charity, and his pride doesn't want to let him do that. I feel the same. I leave you with the last paragraph of this chapter in the hope that writing it out will help me to live it.

"In exchange for our humility and willingness to accept the charity of God, we are given a kingdom. And a beggar's kingdom is better than a proud man's delusion."

Poem

Ok readers of this blog, I need some feedback here. I wrote my first poem in a very long time today, but I feel like there is something off about it. I think the meter doesn't sound quite right or something. So please critique away and give me some constructive critisism.

She wears her sin like a letter on her chest,
She can't out run,
She can't hide.
Every pain she feels is written on her face,
She can't reverse,
She can't erase.

Only a fool could believe she is worthless.
Only a fool could miss the beauty of the clay.
Only a fool could believe she is worthless.
Only a fool would shake their head and look away.

She was told she had a gift she could give of herself,
She can shine,
She can speak.
No one could compare to the passion in her soul,
She is wise,
She survives.

Say what you will about her style,
She has grace.
Say what you will about her body,
It's a temporary place.
One day she will transform before your eyes;
Then the clay will match the soul inside.

A day off

It's interesting that I find myself more worn out from 6 hours of my current day treatment program than I was when I worked ten and a half hour shifts. It can be exhausting discussing your emotions, triggers, and coping skills for a whole day. And it isn't just your emotions, triggers, and coping skills, but also those of at least 7 other adults. Add to that an irritable mood, the worry of how I'm going to pay rent (the worry about how I'm going to pay anything), and a new person in the group that is annoying me to death, and you have my day yesterday.

I don't think I've ever cried and told anyone to stop fucking talking who I was not related to; that makes yesterday a definite first. It was towards the end of the day and people were talking about all the problems they have had for years trying to get financial services and aid when they could not work, due to the fact that theirs was a mental illness rather than physical. After a day of listening to the annoying woman who would not shut up about anything, I was already close to my breaking point. Then to hear people talk about the years it took them to get any kind of aid and how hard everything was, while I am just at the beginning of trying to get help, pushed me right over the edge. I dropped the F-bomb more than i care to admit; the S-grenade was thrown a few times as well. I went through a small box of tissues on my own as I cried like a baby. After this, the group was over and we all played a board game for rec therapy.

All of this has an influence on why I took the day off from day treatment. I'm not doing much today other than helping my sister through a hard day and trying to write a poem. I don't know why I am writing a poem, but I am going to write one.

The cats have stolen my bed!

I had quite the social weekend. It was awesome, but now I am sitting here in my apartment wishing I had another body in the room; a live human body. I would lay in bed and read, but these crafty buggers have staked their territory.

I am again reading a book that I got long ago and really had an effect on me. The book is "Blue Like Jazz" by Donald Miller. If you've never read it, I highly recommend it. A friend of mine that I had been bugging to read it for a while has finally started reading it and liking it. I take this as proof that 60% of the time, I'm right every time.

Back to wanting some human company. I don't feel like I can't call people or anything right now, but I do think it's too late to invite anyone over. If I had a teapot, I would probably invite people anyway, but alas all I have is a mesh strainer for use in cups. To make more than one cup can be sort of time consuming. Oh, and I have my comfy pants on, so I'd have to change.

I think I need to start planning things to do with others in the evenings. This will mean acting responsible and keeping my word on when and where I can or cannot be; I do think I am up to the challenge.

Quick note of the day from the day treatment I attend - my favorite person has crazy old prospector teeth. I can't think of what cartoon character he reminds me of, and it's driving me crazy. Though he looks this way, I have made him the person I sit by at the table. He's got a lot of pain, but despite the teeth, it's awesome to see him smile.

Good Friday

I love Jesus, but I haven't been to church in a long while. I still have some negative feelings regarding my old church and how things went down there. However, today I got a last minute invite from a friend to attend a Good Friday service. It was something I needed; being around other believers can really lift my spirit.

I think it's time for me to look for a new church. I grew up going to the same church until I was 24. At that time the amount of people coming to church was exceeding the amount of people the church could hold. The elders of the church decided that we would merge with a larger church. I did not like the larger church. I found the sermons to be lacking in depth, and it felt sort of commercial. I couldn't serve in the same way I had before, and I was feeling loss and frustration at the loss of families I had known for years (some decided to find new churches). I was even discouraged from working with the youth group, which I had been doing for 2-3 before. It was crushing.

I stopped going to church until some of the people from my old church started up a new church. At first I was really excited, but the excitement left when I had feelings of anger. I felt hurt that some of the people who had voted to merge churches were now making a different church in a way to fix their mistakes.

Soon after this, I started getting panic attacks at the thought of going to church. I'm sad to say that it drove me even further from fellowship.

It was so good to be in a church tonight and to meditate on Christ's death on a cross for my sins. It never ceases to amaze me that Jesus would allow himself to be beaten, broken, and killed to save the sins of the world. When I look at my life in comparison with the sacrifice made by God it makes me want to be a better person. I feel good tonight, and I feel inspired.

So from here I'll probably check out some churches. I don't know where I'll end up, but I know I need an opportunity to serve and have fellowship with other believers. Who knows, maybe I could even work with a youth group again.

Whatever happens, tonight I feel hope.

I want to be asleep...

Before I start into my subject, I feel it should be known that I am really tired, and therefore may not make a whole lot of sense. I might though, so here goes.

I met with one of my social worker people today (apparently I have three now), and I am starting to feel hope that I will be able to get some aid to pay those pesky bills like rent and phone. While I think this is great, I can't get the voice of the perfectionist out of my head; the voice that demands I be able to do this on my own. I tried telling it out loud to shut the hell up, but then felt that it would come too close to talking to people who aren't there, so I stopped.

What didn't help today was that my fibromyalgia decided to attack my body with pain, and I missed day programming. I wish I would have been there today. Had I been there, I would not have been home to hear my sister tell me that once our lease is up I need to find a different living situation because she doesn't want to live with me. It's a really great thing to hear your younger sister say that to you; great if you also like your heart pulled out of your chest, set on fire, then stomped on. She said I had better be looking for ways to make the move to Oregon happen.

Now this is where we get some meat on the bones. Do I want to move to Oregon? I don't know yet. It has been on my mind since the offer was given, but I don't want to act impulsively, and I most definitely want it to be my own decision, not someone else's. I am trying to get my life on a somewhat steady footing, and it would be a bit of extra work to move states. That being said, I love Oregon, and I love who I would be living with. However, with my sister making it sound like a demand, it sheds a whole new light on the situation.

There is a deep desire for me to now run away. To get away from the bills that I can't pay, the sister who is stressed out over me, and be somewhere where a walk is an inspiring thing.

So tonight - or rather, this morning - my head is going 60 miles a minute as I try to think this whole thing out. The more I think, the more I just want to go somewhere and talk to someone, which isn't easy to do at 1:33am. Perhaps I will make an effort to reach out tomorrow. It's the start of Easter weekend, which makes me think of love and sacrifice; two things I feel I am in need of.

Groups

Going to a day program can get a bit tiring. I am there for about 6 hours, which is filled with group after group after group. This isn't to say that I am not getting anything out of it, but I come home pretty emotionally drained.

When I go, it is pretty much the same group of people every time. I haven't found anyone to be a horrible person, but there are definitely a few that annoy the living crap out of me. Mostly it's the fakers. Fakers are the people who are in the program, think they know everything, yet consistently disrupt the group with small talk and jokes about drugs. I used to get annoyed with that when I was a youth care worker, but I have to admit to being a bit less judgemental with the teenagers because I don't expect them to magically know everything. Adults are different. I expect them to have some sort of working intellect that leaves them open to learning new things and applying them to their life.

I'm not sure if it makes me judgemental to think this way, but it is the truth. I know I am in the program because I realised that I can't make myself feel better, and do not have any control in my life at this time. I think most of the people in my group are the same way. We just want to know how to live life along with our particular illness.

I also have discovered something else. You see, my parents didn't do the best job teaching me how to deal with life in a crisis stage. I don't think this would be different for me at any age. I could be 50 and still be wondering exactly how I am supposed to act as an adult. So maybe I should cut some of my fellow program goers some slack. It's hard, but maybe I can do it.

Other than the day program, I don't really have a whole lot going on in life. I am waiting to talk with case workers and case managers about getting aid to pay my bills, seeing as my mental illnesses are to the point where they disrupt the way my life functions. I am hoping that I don't have to try for disability or anything like that, because I don't feel disabled; I feel unable to get up and go to a job every day.

I wish I could explain in better detail about how I feel. I've isolated a little by not reaching out to communicate with others. I hate my phone not ringing and not being invited to hang out with others. Thankfully I still have the good ol' platonic life partner and my great Oregonian friend who encourage me and/or give me somewhere to go that isn't my house. Calling other people just feels like admitting defeat; not to mention the guilt I feel for not being a good adult.

That's where I am today. I hope tomorrow is better. I hope that I can start to adjust to all these feelings brought up in group and individual therapy without losing the rest of my mind in the process. Hopefully depression and anxiety take the hint soon that I want them to behave...they just need more training.

Practice makes...things easier.

Being a patient in a day program is feeling a bit surreal. I feel as if I have switched places with the girls at the group home I worked at. The only difference is that I am alert and listening, and some are...not very open to what is happening. Oh, and I am in fact finding myself judging, which I really need to stop doing.

This past Friday was my first day there, and I was pretty stoked because I was having terrible side-effects to two newer medications. And trust me, side effects like hallucinations, dry mouth, and confusion are not fun at all. I wasn't having any hardcore hallucinations, it just always seemed like there was something in my peripheral vision. Thankfully the doc pulled me off of those right away, but I'm still waiting for the dry mouth and confusion to go away.

In addition to the day program, I find myself having to attempt to get public assistance for things like rent and the phone bill. I have found that you literally have to jump through flaming hoops to get anything done. That, or pop out a kid. It may sound a little vain, but I worked 3 years in behavioral health and don't have a child that I can't provide for; it seems I should get some kudos for that. It'd be great to hear a worker say, "Hey! Way to go on that whole keeping your legs shut thing! That was a really good idea." In saying this, I know that some people were responsible by using protection that just didn't work...they deserve some kudos as well.

It feels weird going to day treatment every day, and I don't like that I am not working. My poor sisters are stressed to their limits about getting the bills paid, and I might have to ask my dad for money. I want to get better, and apparently this is a part of how to do it. I know what I am supposed to do; it's the action of doing it that seems to be the problem. Practice coping, practice dealing with irritability, learn to live every day of my life with depression. I think I know what that will look like, because Ive faked it before. The interesting thing is going to be how it will make me feel.

I feel that this post is long enough, so I'm going to snuggle with my kitty Luella because she's in a rare snuggle me mood.

Becoming Humble

I am 100% sure that God is trying to teach me humility. Do you want proof? I am in an adult day treatment program. I wasn't forced to, but chose to go on my own. I now will be surrounded every day by people that I have put down or made jokes about before.

See, before I lost my marbles, I used to think that adults that were in and out of the hospital or attending any form of day programming were incapable of taking care of themselves due to very difficult mental illnesses like schizophrenia, on drugs, or just plain stupid. I had never wanted to work with adults with issues because they tended to piss me off. Well, now I'm one of them, and I am feeling the sting of my own habit to judge. So far, after my first day, I am sure that at least 70% of my fellow day residents are there because they want to get better. I fall into the 70%, thankfully.

The humility is coming because I realise that no matter the individual diagnoses I have a lot in common with these people. The first thing I think of is that I have found my life to be unmanageable. I see that there are a lot of reasons for me to be depressed, but I am my biggest reason for being as bad as I am right now because I did not cope the ways I could have. This is not to say that I think my depression is my fault; it's the chemicals in my brain deciding they don't want to do what they should. What I do see is that my depression is something that I can manage a lot better than I have been.

The sort of funny thing is that, having worked in behavioral health, I keep wanting to dole out advice to the others in my group. I know how to handle certain situations, I'm just not very good at motivating to do so. At the same time, I've already learned certain things from the other patients in the program. And they're the people I wouldn't have expected to have any advice I could use in my life. That's when I begin to feel humble.

So instead of judging people or trying to figure out what's wrong with them, I'll try this humble loving thing. I'll keep an open mind and remember that everyone is working on themselves just as I am.

I will, however, be relating funny stories of things that happen. No real names or anything personal of course...damn HIPPA.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

Tomorrow we will be having an estate sale for pretty much everything in my grandparents' house. I spent yesterday cleaning off furniture and watching as a price tag was put on things so familiar and dear to me. It did come to me, as I was dusting the computer desk in the blue room, that I really don't want a lot of these things. I got a few items from the house after Grandpa passed, and they are just things that bring back memories of my grandparents.

The funny thing is that even though I have the objects that I do, it doesn't really matter where everything goes. Grandma and Grandpa are gone and have no use for them, and it makes sense to sell them. Yet still, I am sad.

I realised fully, for the first time, that life will be different from here on out. Someone with no relation to me will buy the house. It will not be the safe place it always was. Many things will be changed; the color of the walls, the furniture, and probably the entire kitchen. The new owners will probably not have incense burning in the kitchen all the time, and I am sure they won't have the same smell as Grandma did. The house is already starting to look like an empty shell, and soon I will have no reason to go there.

Thankfully I can remember the both of them, and I have pictures. I think that's better than a dresser set or dining room table any day. I don't like this change, but I haven't liked a lot of changes lately. I'm getting through this though; step by step I seem to be gaining some ground. I will in fact be in an outpatient treatment facility during the days starting tomorrow. It's embarassing, humility inducing, and a bit of hope.

In the words of Ok Go: "Let it go this too shall pass"

I did what?!

I have been the very picture of a productive person today.

Well, except for the naps and frequent breaks I took, I productively did some work around the house and such. Here's what went down:
1. I woke up at 7:30ish, which I blame on going to sleep at a good time last night.
2. I didn't feel tired when I woke up.
3. I then dressed and went to the store to buy milk and something yummy for breakfast.
4. I ate breakfast, then went to the PLP's to borrow her vacuum as ours is broken.
5. Upon arriving at home, I vacuumed and shampooed the carpet in the entryway.
6. Nap, glorious nap.
7. When I woke up, my sister helped me move around furniture so that I could get my cleaning on. I had to scrub spots and it was wonderfully somewhat difficult. I did finish the dining room and kitchen though. Everything else can be done tomorrow.

I feel pride in what I did today. I didn't just sit on the couch like a dud, oh no. I was on it. I really hope this isn't just one good day in a sea of depressional sorrow, but a show of a little progress. I had energy, and I did something! I really want to hold on to this.

This morning I find myself doing some hardcore thinking. I've recently been given the offer to move in with a friend in Oregon (well, re-offered). The more I think about it and talk to my friends and loved ones about it, the more it looks like it's going to happen.

It's a scary and exciting possibility. I mean, who wouldn't want to live here?

I'd be living in a town, but great stuff like this isn't far away. In fact, this isn't even the best picture I have. The nature there alone makes me feel closer to God. Not to mention it rains lots there, which I love. My friend there is AHmazing and helps to inspire much happiness in me. Plus as an extra bonus, the only person I am going there to help is myself; which makes it amazingly better than every other time I have tried to leave my state.

But there are things that make me want to stay here, like...

My 12 yr old sister and neice. They are growing so fast!

Then there are my younger older sisters, who are pretty friggin awesome.

Then there are my best friend's children.

There are more things, but I really love these kids and don't want to leave them. It's scary...but then what isn't? Things are still up in the air. I'm glad it's a Sunday so I don't really think about all the things I have to do in a week.

I have no idea what I will decide, but I pray I will make the right choice. I have a couple months to think on it anyway, so I think that will help. And as selfish as it sounds, i would hope if I did leave people would miss me. I'd probably have to learn to return texts and emails a lot quicker than i do now.

More about this later. I started this post 2-3 days ago and hadn't been able to finish it. I'm sure this will take more words to go through.

A normal day?

I want to write, but I don't know what to write about! Today was almost a regular day. I woke up late, and did not feel like doing anything at all. I got on the computer and played games, then wanted to go back to bed. On most days, this would be what I would do all day, but it was interrupted.

I had to shower and take one of my younger sisters to the ER. She's good now, but super tired. I made the nurses and physician assistant laugh a lot. My sister was entertained by the different things I was doing to my hair to look "attractive". This longer hair is really helping my silly patern.

Oh, and I tried something new tonight. I had some beer brauts made from Fat Tire. It was nice, considering I can't drink alcohol right now. They were delish, and  I carry with me a bit of a grill smell - which I love.

I did make one observation today, and that is that I need to do some more social stuff. I end up at my platonic life partner's house all the time, and I really think she needs a break. So if you're reading this and know me, please invite me places, because otherwise I will sit at home on my rear end.

Ok that's all for tonight. I must go and investigate a noise that is strange and will probably end up being my upstairs neighbors vaccuming their apartment.

*Edit: It was the upstairs neighbors vaccuming.

What to do, what to do

I am sad and lethargic today, and I don't know why. Nothing bad happened to me yesterday or last night; heck I was even in a bar without anyone I knew for a while (well unless you count my cousin, but he was busy playing music on stage). I'm not going to say I didn't have short spurts of panic, but I did not freak out. For this, I am happy with myself.

I wanted to come on and write something deep and profound, but my mind seems to be working a tad slower while it adjusts to new meds. I might try going out again tonight, even if it means I have to watch people drink crap beer when I am not allowed alcohol. Bastards.

I don't know if I will go out. I know I don't want to go alone.Plus, it's helping me face my fears of being in crowds of people who could potentially judge me and verbally harass me with bad fat jokes.

So should I sleep or face my fears? We shall see....